MM Dads
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Like many men, 38-year-old Josh Bateman* can’t wait to become a father. Like many men, he’s planning to be at
the birth. But, like many men, he’s not exactly
relishing the idea of actually seeing his child come into the world! ‘When I speak to friends, who have
already become fathers,’ Josh told MM, ‘they all say the same things. ‘I could never have imagined being anywhere else.’ ‘Every man should see his child be born.’ ‘It was the most amazing experience of my life.’ When they’re talking, I get very excited
at the thought of being at my partner Lisa’s side when she gives birth to our son or daughter but, afterwards, I’m plagued with this feeling of near panic at the thought of not being able to go through it all. Like many men I’m a bit squeamish at the sight of blood and I hate to think of Lisa in any form of pain, but I know I’m going to look like a complete woose if I have to pull out at the last minute. ‘I haven’t told Lisa how I feel – I’ve joked
about it a few times to gauge her reaction, but she just dismisses it and says ‘you’ll be fine’. She wouldn’t even envisage the idea that I wouldn’t be in the room, holding her hand. It really is starting to become a bit of an anxiety trigger with me.’ Perhaps unsurprisingly, Josh isn’t alone
in his near panic. While holding your first newborn baby is the richest, most fulfilling moment you’ll probably ever experience, it can be a bit daunting for many men to take part in the process. Until the 1980s, dads were actually
expected to stay away from what was deemed to be ‘women’s business’. Instead of staying by his wife or partner’s side in the delivery suite, dad’s role was to pace nervously up and down the corridor outside. Thankfully, it is now the norm for men to
be with their partners during labour and delivery but, for men like Josh, this new expectation raises many worries. ‘Primarily,’ Josh continues, ‘I’m worried
about fainting at the sight of the blood. I can’t even think about that. And, as I said, I really don’t want to hear Lisa screaming. I know it’s a classic ‘man’ thing’ – she’ll be the one in pain and I’m the one who’s worried about hearing her scream - but it really is a terrifying thought for me. ‘Another fear I have – and I really hate saying this – is that I’m worried about how
I’ll view Lisa after the birth. I know of men, who, once they’d watched their partner give birth, found it hard to have sex. It’s something to do with the fact that I’m scared that I’ll now view a part of her body that has previously been associated with sex as connected somehow with my child’s birth. Again, how can I even bring this subject up? She’ll be so hurt.’ Men like Josh have the partial
understanding and support of birthing experts such as Dr Michel Odent. Dr Odent, who has been one of the most influential doctors in the birth world for forty years, has controversial opinions about dads attending the birth: ‘[Having men in the delivery room] is
something completely new,’ he said. ‘The doctrine was introduced suddenly in the '70s, [but we] had not realised how complex it was. They did not realise that the release of adrenaline was contagious, for example. You cannot be in a complete state of relaxation when someone near to you is releasing low levels of adrenaline. It’s normal that when a man loves his wife and sees her in birth he will be releasing adrenaline – even if he’s smiling and trying to look brave – he’s releasing a lot of adrenaline, and that’s contagious. Other issues include the impact on their sex life after. For some men it’s just too much to reach extreme emotional states, it’s difficult to cope.’
Until the 1980s, dads were actually expected to stay away from what was deemed to be ‘women’s business’
6 Modernmum
Despite Dr Odent’s support, however,
the simple fact is that the majority of women today expect their partner to join them in the delivery suite. To help Josh out, I decided to ask a few
men, who had recently attended their babies’ births, for their views. The responses were interesting to say the least! ‘Like Josh, I considered myself a
complete woose,’ said Ian. ‘Unlike him though, I made no bones about telling my wife and anyone else who would listen that I simply could not be there. At the last minute, however, I just looked at my wife’s face and I knew that, if I wasn’t to be there, it was potentially going to be something that both of us – particularly me – would regret later. So I ‘manned up’ and went in telling myself that, if everything went pear- shaped and I ended up passing out, I was in the right place,’ he laughs. ‘There were plenty of healthcare professionals around me! I know for a fact that my wife definitely appreciated the fact that I went in despite my misgivings and, you know what? I was absolutely fine and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world!’ But what about Josh’s concerns about
his and his partner’s future sex life? Comfortingly for him, every dad that I
spoke to said that watching their partner or wife give birth had had absolutely no effect on their sex life! In fact, as one dad said, ‘I actually feel that it brought us closer together and made sex more significant and meaningful’. So, there you go guys. You may not want
to ‘see the blood and mess’. You may not want to hear your partner scream her head off, but if you focus on the fact that you’re supporting her and going on ‘the journey’ with her, everything else will fall into place. * Not his real name
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