much more attractive.” “So,” Carol asked, “did you resolve to lose weight for yourself or for your mother.” Ashley gave a chagrined smile. “To be honest, I’m kind of reluctant to lose the weight. Mom would probably find some- thing else to criticize me for if I did.” With that observation, the conversa-
tion turned to the dynamics of Ashley’s relationship with her mother—something that resulted in an entirely different resolu- tion, and which also diminished Ashley’s anxiety about her inability to lose weight.
The Most Important New Year’s Resolution What do our New Year’s resolutions
have in common—besides commencing on January 1st? Well, they are primarily about positive changes we want to see, and typically changes we want to make in our behavior. Our resolutions deal with chang- es that are possible (not many of us resolve to sprout wings, become beauty queens or suddenly understand quantum physics). Our resolutions are usually about ongoing, permanent changes. Almost invariably, our changes are ambitious—otherwise we wouldn’t have to resolve to make them. That’s about it, right? Oh—one other simi- larity our resolutions share: quite often we fail to keep them. As the proverb goes, “When it comes to trying something excit- ing that will make our lives better forever, everything works . . . for two weeks.” What’s the point of making resolutions
with which you have little chance of fol- lowing through (hint: the greater the num- ber of times you’ve made a resolution—not just on January 1st but throughout the year—that you did not keep, the less likely you will be able to keep it going forward)? This year you might try something radically different, by making the most important New Year’s resolution. What is it? I will spend this year getting to know myself a whole lot better! Thinking back to the example of Ash- ley and her failed resolution to lose weight, it wasn’t as if she didn’t know what she had to do to lose weight. It wasn’t as if she wasn’t a dedicated person with ample willpower. What was missing was an un- derlying understanding of why she thought she had to lose weight in the first place, which had to do with the dynamics in her relationship with her mother. It is almost always the case—not only with failed resolutions but also with procrastination or the unwillingness to attempt new endeav- ors or difficulty fulfilling routine tasks—that
the problem is not with what you are at- tempting. Rather it is the case that some “unfinished business” or an “inner script” that you either developed or inherited is the source of the difficulty. To the degree that we can understand ourselves and our motives to a fuller and fuller extent, the uncanny blocks that prevent us from ac- complishing things tend to melt away. That is to say, if you resolve to get to know yourself a whole lot better, completing other resolutions becomes a whole lot easier. Take for instance the way Brad’s new insight allowed him to make and keep an important resolution.
The Trouble with Brad Just as Brad was pulling into the en-
trance of the parking lot, he saw his friend Cal—his car full of several other friends— driving way. Brad was stunned. Cal, his best friend, had invited him to go to lunch with some others to a new restaurant. Because he didn’t know where the eatery was, Brad parked his car and went up to Cal’s office, where his administrator sat at her desk. “I can’t believe it. Cal invited me to
lunch and I just saw him drive off. Did he leave a message?” “Yes,” the administrator replied calm-
ly. “He said he was tired of always waiting for you.”
was?”
“He didn’t say where the restaurant “No.”
Fuming, Brad went back to work and reacted hostilely to every phone call and personal interaction for the remainder of the day. He explained to his wife what had happened when she asked why he was so sullen. She acted as if she wanted to make some comment, but recognized that Brad was deeply offended by his best friend and obviously didn’t want to discuss it. By the middle of the next morning
Brad couldn’t take it anymore. He called Cal’s private number and, as soon as his friend answered, said, “I thought we were friends. Why did you do that to me?” Cal, who apparently had been antici- pating the call, responded, “If we’re friends, why do you always make me wait?” “I don’t always make you wait.” “Yes you do. You are consistently five to ten minutes late for every appointment. And not just with me. You do that with meeting. Everybody who works with you knows that.” “I do?” “Yes, Brad. It’s your way of controlling
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Board Certified Holistic Life Coach Energy Therapist
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JANUARY 2018 9
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