Preternatural Postbag

Dr E.mann’s

Dear Dr E. Mann, I’m in a terrible pickle. PICKLED ONIONS THAT IS!!! I just LOVE pickled onions. And I ruddy bloody love Crimbo because I get to eat LOADS of PICKLED ONIONS! PICKLED ONIONS! I mean, I eat pickled onions quite a lot the whole year through, but come the first of December, I start smashing them into my vinegary, toothless gob as if I was FUCKING MENTAL!!!! But I need some advice. Should I cash in my pension, or what? Gloria, 56, Trowse

Dear Gloria, I can only assume that you felt the need to include your love of onions as some sort of clue into your psyche, therefore I popped down to the allotment for a spot of crominiomancy. Tat’s onion based fortune telling, by the way. Oh yes, you can tell a lot from an onion. You can find a lost lover, or divine the weather. I bet you think it’s all about cutting them open and having a look, don’t you. Well it’s not. It’s about how they sprout. Unfortunately, onions know fuck all about finance, so you’ll just have to pop into the bank and ask someone.

Dear Dr E Mann, I note that there are many events coming up celebrating “Christmas”. As if they even give two shits about the Baby Jesus! I bet half the kids these days don’t know their Little Donkey from their Jingle Bells. All people care about is presents these days. In my day you got a

ball, a stick, and a Satsuma. And that was only if you’d been good all year. Dr E Mann, do you think my son will ever forgive me? MerryBrexmas69, Holt

Dear Merry, Ah, that old chestnut: An overzealous commitment to your own understanding of “Christmas,” resulting in family rifts, disputes, and trauma. Whether it’s an unwavering obligation to watching that Only Fools and Horses where they do Batman and Robin, an inability to budge on who cuts the turkey, or the need to deprive your child of happiness because you think it’s “all too commercial,” it’s just not in the spirit of Christmas. Anyway, in answer to your question: probably not, no.

Dear Dr. E Mann I don’t know what to get my wife for Christmas. I always get her a hat; it’s something of an in-joke and family tradition. But over the last two months her head has swelled up quite considerably on account of different washing powder or bees or something. It’s literally about twice its normal size. I haven’t said anything, so I’m between a rock and a hard place. If she doesn’t get her traditional Yule hat, she’ll know something’s amiss, but if she opens up a lovely new hat on Christmas morn and sticks it on that massive bonce of hers, I’ll straight up shit my pants with mirth. Toughts? HeddyLamarr, Hempnall

Astrology, tea leaves, tarot… I am the professor of prediction, the doctor of destiny.

If you require guidance into a difficult situation, or simply want to know what the future holds, then look no further. Want proof? I have a prediction… Something’s coming through… I see… you… in about a month. You’re… less wealthy… but… somehow… you have lots of things you neither want nor need… Jumpers… Nuts… ABRACASANTA!

Dear Heddy, Firstly, hats off to you for not mentioning something sooner. I would’ve been brimming over with laughter, and that’s no pork pie. To fez up now would be a mistake. But you’ll have to pull something special out of your, well, y’know. If you want to continue to beret your head in the sand, then buy her a nice pair of earrings instead. Tat’ll bowler over. Or a sombrero.

Dear Dr E Mann, I’m in a bit of a jam. I suffer from a rare allergy which has caused my head to swell quite considerably over the last two months. Somehow my husband doesn’t seem to have noticed. Frankly, I’m not sure whether to be offended or grateful. I mean, it’s like a fucking balloon! Anyway, it’s coming up to Christmas, and it’s something of an in-joke and family tradition that he always buys me a hat. I’m dreading the moment he sees whatever pretty bonnet he buys sitting atop my bulbous noggin. What should I do? HattyJaques, Hempnall

Dear Hatty, Ah, the old gargantuan-noodle- at-Christmas quandary. It’s a tough nut to crack, and no mistake. While your run-of- the-mill quacks and charlatans would suggest a course of antihistamines, I’ve consulted my phrenology chums, and they have come up with the ingenious idea of sitting further away from your husband than

you usually do. Tat way, he’ll simply assume that you’ve lost weight from everywhere but the old cranium. When you open the hat, shout over to him that it must have shrunk under the tree. Simple.

Dear Dr E Mann, I got this neighbour whats a woman and lives over the road. I never look at her twice before but over the last two months she lost a lot of weight and now I think I love her. Her hair got shorter, too, and I like birds with short hair. Only, she got a husband whats always buying her stuff. Hats and shit. I reckon im gonna go over there and tell her how I feel instead of just looking at her from quite a long way away. What do you reckon. Bob, Hempnall

Dear Bob, I’ve consulted the tarot on this one, and your love card is the mage of cups. Tis suggests that you should have a proper look at her through some binoculars before doing anything rash.

Running out of space, so just enough room to tell Barry of Trowse – Porridge; Barry (no relation) of Spixworth – An assortment box. Either that, or a support stocking; Mossy of Costessy – It’s probably some sort of cheese; and finally, Nathan of NR3 – If it will burn, set fire to it. If not, keep hitting it until it makes a funny noise.

-Mail DrEMann@outlineo for psychic advice- 8 / DEC 17-JAN 18 / OUTLINEONLINE.CO.UK

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