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Preternatural Postbag


Dr E.mann’s


Dear Dr E. Mann, I note that there are many events this month in Norwich celebrating Oktoberfest, a vile European invention. Well, I voted Brexit, and Brexit means Brexit. A big hard Brexit. Not some mealy-mouthed sausage- gobbling appeasement. I simply can’t wait for the utopia that post-Brexit Britain will be. I’m literally frothing at the mouth and gurgling with my head all lolloping about and my eyes rolled back and my legs kicking in anticipation. Please, Dr Mann, let me know how soon we will get our country back. Hetty, 107, Trowse


Dear Hetty, As you mentioned sausages, I’ve turned to pigs entrails for the answer to your wonderfully oblique question. As I stir them around, I see a shape forming. It’s you, Hetty. You’re in a nursing home. Only there aren’t any staff, Hetty. Tey’ve all been sent “back to where they came from”. It’s just you. You and the cat. Te cat that hasn’t eaten in a week. See how it stares at your face when you sleep, Hetty? Apparently that’s the bit they eat first. Tat’s cat saliva you can smell when you wake up. When will this happen? Soon, Hetty, soon.


Dear Dr E Mann, I note that there are many events next month in Norwich celebrating Halloween, a vile American invention. Well if you think that letting children beg on the streets is acceptable then you need to be put in a funny farm!! It’s devil worship for kids!! If my old mum weren’t dead


she’d be spinning in her grave!! What I need to know is whether I’m in for any trouble this year. We’ve never had any, but every year I’m there with the eggs and flour, ready for the pint-sized costumed scum. Will this year be my Dunkirk? Shitfire69, Holt


Dear Mr/Mrs Fire69, Ah, the anticipation of combat. Such a delicious treat. I’ve just spent half-an-hour up a ladder dropping scrabble tiles into a bucket of plums, and the signs are not good. It appears that the thrill of warfare will elude you for the umpteenth time running. No children’s faces to chuck your batter at this year, old son. You’re safe. Safe from the fun. All that nasty horrible joy.


Dear Dr. E Mann I also write a supernatural- themed column for a local arts and culture magazine. It’s all complete guff, of course; I make it all up off the top of my head after two bottles of wine and a huff of glue. Te thing is, recently, my predictions have been coming true. All of them. Te responsibility is crushing me, but the power is intoxicating. I’m scared I’ll use my gift for evil or sex or evil sex. Are you the real deal? Do you know my torment? Have you any advice for a humble neophyte? Professor Indatardiss, UEA


Dear Prof Tardiss, Firstly, we are not the same, and secondly, you my friend are in grave danger. You see, what we’ve got here is a case of chicken vs egg. I’ve always had


Astrology, tea leaves, tarot… I am the professor of prediction,


the doctor of destiny. If you require guidance into a difficult situation, or simply want to know what the future holds, then look no further. Want proof? Why is it that when Marty’s mum in Back to the Future says that she likes the name Marty, when Marty returns to the future why isn’t his older brother called Marty? Only someone who knows about the future would spot that, eh? IT’S YOUR KIDS!


the gift, and as such I simply see what’s already fated to happen. You on the other hand, are a charlatan, who with no psychic insight, fabricates and sells lies. Te fact that they are coming true most likely points to a curse. Probably from a wronged follower who accidentally dabbled in some other bullshit after they got tired of yours. I’m going to say that you should probably hold off on the predictions, because they’ll probably have some classic twist to the outcome. You know, like you “predict” that a hot girl falls in love with you, but she loves you so much that she stabs you in your sleep and wears your face like a mask. Tat sort of thing.


Dear Dr E Mann, I just can’t take it. I’m worried sick about the state of the country, I mean it seems like there’s people from all sides that just want war, and some of them seem like good guys but you just don’t know. I mean we’ve seen good men die before, and other men that we thought were good turn out to be bad. And now there’s ICE dragons, and he’s shagging his Aunt! I need to know, Dr Mann, who lives and who dies? I can’t wait two whole fucking years! Nedsdeadhead69, Costessey


Dear Head69, Ah yes. Te Game with Trones television program. It’s quite the thing I hear. I’ve never watched it myself - it’s a little on the unlikely side, if you ask me. Anyway, I’ve exhausted myself smashing fistfuls of Alphabetti Spaghetti into the Fantasy section of Waterstones and can exclusively


reveal that: 1. A small fellow does quite well. 2. Te blue men, they bad ju-ju. 3. COCKS! 4. Little girl, she kill the lady. And there you have it. Dur dur du du dur dur.


Dear Dr E Mann, I gone up the attic and I find a box full of clopper mags and I don’t know whos they are they not mine and I kno they wernt here last year cos they wernt there when I put my decorations back and im the only person what lives here and I think I got ghost what loves grumble. fuck me. how am I supposed to get rid of a scud-happy goolie all banging about in the loft going oooooooh. Nathan, Trimmingham


Dear Head69, Problems with sexually charged spirits can be a bit of a sticky issue. If you have got a porno- loving apparition, then you’re going to need professional help. I recommend using a firm out of Spixworth called Halt-a-geist (I’ll inbox you their number). Tey will not only cleanse your residence of Wanky McBooface, they will also get rid of any associated otherworldly grot.


Running out of space, so just enough room to tell Fred of Trowse – Give it all you’ve got for half-an-hour; Fred (no relation) of Spixworth – Spoons spoons spoons. I can’t stress that enough. Spoons; Bossy of Costessy – If it’s that big, it’s probably not dead. Tempt it out with some jam on a stick; and finally, Cingeon of Wymondham – It sounds pretty serious. You should call an ambulance IMMEDIATELY and apply pressure to the wound.


-Mail DrEMann@outlineo nline.co.uk for psychic advice- 8 / OCT-NOV 2017 / OUTLINEONLINE.CO.UK


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