down when they had better money-earning options. “There’s good, and there’s
bad,” says South Florida psychotherapist Fran Sherman, who says she’s seeing an increasing number of couples separated by their jobs. “The good part is, if you have a good relationship, and if you have a good marriage, people really miss each other and appreciate each other.” However, an already-rocky
relationship can be doomed by a long separation. “It can really go either way,” Sherman says. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, about 3.5 million American couples have a so-called commuter marriage — more than double the 1.7 million estimate from 1990. Sure, this kind of diffi cult living arrangement has been around for generations, conjuring up tales about traveling salesmen and soldiers forced to leave their families behind. Today’s commuter marriage is
more cross-gender, created largely from the nation’s largest fi nancial recession in post-war history. Women are as likely as men to be the one leaving the home to earn a living. A recent national study found
that 3 out of 5 couples say they live apart for fi nancial reasons. And from the anecdotal stories provided by experts, women are increasingly the ones leaving Monday morning and taking the last fl ight back into town on Friday. Sherman says many families are
so fi nancially strapped that many couples have no alternative but to live in separate cities. “I think that in a lot of ways,
there’s really no choice,” she says. “It’s merely a way of survival.” Of course, all this poses a very
pointed but practical question: Is it harder when the wife’s away? Isn’t it Mom who knows about the schoolwork and the sports schedules and the music lessons?
“Living apart for most of the A HOUSE DIVIDED
3.5 3.0 2.5 2.0 1.5 1.0
0.5 1970
Commuter marriages are becoming more common in the U.S.
week wears on people over time,” she says. “It’s slow and insidious and there are couples who manage very well and couples who don’t.” Facing those odds, she tells
1980 1990 2000 Absolutely, says Sherman. “If
the man is out there traveling and working, it’s just more socially acceptable,” she says. “I don’t mean to sound sexist. I just think in our society it’s harder for the woman to be the one to travel.”
HOMECOMING DAY As for Linda and Drew McMahon,
every “homecoming” was a challenge. “I’d go home and think, Oh, Gosh.
This needs to be done, and that needs to be done,” says Linda. “I’d try to help around the house and then, also, you have to rekindle the relationship.” Manhattan psychotherapist Lisa
Brateman agrees that commuter couples have to work really hard on staying close, and it’s tough — especially if work is extremely demanding. “When couples do get together,
most people will just go over their to-do list,” Brateman says. “It’s really important
to pay attention to the emotional aspects and to each other,” she adds. So what do you do? Sherman
always tells couples, commuter and traditional, to “say three nice things to your partner every day.” Brateman says it’s imperative to watch for fading connectivity. Do you talk less? See each other
less? Is one of you always canceling plans for a weekend visit?
MAY 2013 | NEWSMAX MAXLIFE 71 DREW
MCMAHON “It was nice for a week or maybe 10 days,” Drew says of the separation.
2010 SOURCE: U.S. Census Bureau
clients to use all avenues: texting, cellphones, video chats, emails, even the old-fashioned postal letter. (Tip: Use a “Love” stamp.) As for the McMahons, their
ordeal came late enough in their marriage that their two sons were grown and out of the house, although their most recent college graduate did come home and live with Dad for a while when she was gone. And Brateman says they were lucky on that score. “It’s certainly much more diffi cult when there are young children,” Brateman says. “That presents a whole other list of complications and challenges.” In the end, the McMahons were among the fortunate whose love was able to transcend distance, but
they don’t want to ever do it
again. “We had to get back to a happy place,” says Linda. “It wasn’t always easy.”
WELLINGTON, FL.
(In millions)
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