movement and its members, such as Sacred Crossings, in Los Angeles, seek to restore the lost art and healing ritual of a home funeral by preserving the rights of families to provide home after- death care.
Supporting and educating interested families is the mission of Sacred Crossings founder Rev. Olivia Rosemarie Bareham. The certifi ed death midwife and home funeral guide draws from her experiences as an auxiliary nurse and hospice volunteer to assist families with end-of-life planning, death midwifery and arrangements for an at-home vigil and funeral, as well as cremation and burial choices. “We also offer sacred singing to help ease a loved one’s transition. Music by a bedside soloist or choir before, during and after death can be deeply relaxing and comforting, and even provide pain relief,” advises Bareham.
Exploring the Mystery For more than 40 years, philosopher, psychologist and physician Raymond Moody’s life work has been acknowledging the mysteries and validating the unexplainable events at the end of life. His seminal bestseller Life After Life appeared in 1975. Lisa Smartt’s mentorship by Moody led them to co-found FinalWordsProject. org. She’s also authored Words at the Threshold, a study of the nonsensical, metaphorical and paradoxical language and visions of the dying. Moody and Smartt agree that by better understanding the unique language patterns related to end of life we can share more deeply and build bridges with our beloveds throughout the dying process. “When we do so, we offer greater support to the dying and ameliorate our own experience of loss as they cross the threshold,” remarks Smartt. Like William Peters, founder of the Shared Crossings Project, in Santa Barbara, California, they caution that compassionate etiquette during events at death is important. “Assume that levels of awareness exist in the dying so that our energy and presence are felt and our voices heard,” advises Moody. “Respect your words and actions, regardless of the person’s state of consciousness. Be a
how well we plan for death, things don’t always go as planned. “Sometimes no matter how many
We rediscover that in
order to die well, we must live well. Dying gracefully is the result of a mindful, day-to-day journey—a culmination of informed choices, honest discussions and deference to the hallowed fragility of
nature’s life-death cycles. ~William Rosa
compassionate listener and validate their vision. Don’t pretend to intellectualize or explain anything.” Dianne Gray, president and executive director of the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation, also owns Hospice and Healthcare Communications. “The dying often wish to leave here surrounded by peace and harmony. They choose to let go of contentiousness and often wish family members would do the same, which is facilitated by mapping out Advance Directives according to the fi nal wishes of the patient,” says Gray. Questions she frequently addresses in public talks and Death Over Dinner party conversations include: the necessity of fi nishing unfi nished business; bringing closure to unresolved relationship issues; fi nding words to express our compassion; soothing the sense of impending loss; and managing to take only love with us to the other side, yet leave enough of it behind to help loved ones through their grieving process. She cautions that no matter
advance care conversations have taken place, discord can dismantle the best laid plans. It requires the tough work of compassionate communications. Friends and families need to remember that this is the patient’s end-of-life experience, not theirs. It is possible to fi nd peace in the midst of confl ict, understanding that the one leaving overwhelmingly wishes for a peaceful passing, including peace within the family.” The Death Over Dinner initiative, founded by Michael Hebb in 2013, has been hosted by groups in more than 20 countries to help people engage in conversations on “how we want to die”—the most vital and costly discussion Americans aren’t having (
DeathOverDinner.org/stories).
Practical Plans The American Institute of Certifi ed Public Accountants and its 360 Degrees of Financial Literacy program offer a free downloadable national Guide to Financial Decisions: Implementing an End-of-Life Plan at
Tinyurl.com/EssentialPlanNeeds. It includes basic descriptions of issues that arise as we age beyond retirement and details the critical documents needed for the individual, dependents, property, assets, estate planning, wills and trusts. It also addresses issues related to advance, treatment and do-not- resuscitate directives, insurance, types of funerals and costs, and Social Security, Medicare and veterans’ benefi ts. Guidelines suggest consulting with a certifi ed public accountant or personal fi nancial planning specialist. The latest innovation is the blessing of
a living funeral, a celebration of life while the honoree is present to hear the eulogies, praises and farewells before they depart.
AgingWithDignity.org provides a
downloadable Five Wishes document, a popular advance directive, or living will that covers personal, spiritual, medical and legal aspects. It’s easy to use and can serve as a family guide to prompt conversations about personal care preferences in the event of serious illness. New York Times journalist Mark
Leibovich wrote about how Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy chose to spend his fi nal weeks in pursuit of a “good
February 2017 15
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