level is the committed friend that has evolved into a trusted and valuable life companion. Sarah Huntsman Reed, a medical counselor in Kansas City, Missouri, has such a lifelong friend. She met Doug Reed, now a pharmacist, when both were in their high school musical, Once Upon a Mattress. Reed had a great sense of humor, Sarah remembers. “He’s still the most honest yet kindest person I’ve met,” she says. Soon, their mothers became friends, too, and the two teens would pair up for family weddings. Then she went to college and married and he moved away; yet they stayed in touch through mutual friends and their moms, catching up in person when he returned to his hometown. Seventeen years after they fi rst met,


by which time Sarah was divorced, the two discussed taking their friendship to the next level and soon married. “It was a big decision to commit, because we knew so much about each other,” she says. “But we prefer each other’s company, and it was the best thing we ever did.”


Safety Net


In trying times, friends can surround us with positive energy, says Madisyn Taylor, co-founder and editor-in-


chief of the spiritual blog DailyOm, in Ashland, Oregon. “The people we love form a protective barrier that buffers and shields us from many of the world’s more crippling blows,” including receiving hurtful slights from others. How we make friends has been altered by today’s social landscape, which includes working parents and Amber Alerts. The days of children freely roaming their neighborhood discovering friends to play with are, unfortunately, over, says Jennifer S. White, a Toledo, Ohio, blogger and author of The Art of Parenting: Love Letters from a Mother.


“My long-term friendships from


childhood were all built around being neighbors and playing together just because we wanted to,” recalls White. With today’s safety concerns and work-life challenges, parents now set up playdates, a more structured, less organic way of fostering childhood friendships, and they must be proactive to ensure success. White has some misgivings about this modern-day approach. “When I think about that one little gleaming seed of truth at the heart of why, it’s often because I don’t think it’s fair that I have to be a popular ‘playdate mom’ for my kid to have some friends.”


Hallmarks of good friendship include staying in touch and


being consistently positive and vulnerable, so aswe reveal ourselves over


time, we can be authentic with each other.


Besties and Buddies Automatic playdates—with siblings— often enhance family ties through lifelong friendships. Sally Ekus is a culinary talent representative in Florence, Massachusetts. Her younger sister, Amelia, is the general manager of Twitter Cafe, in New York City, and lives in Brooklyn. Both foodies have knife-and-fork tattoos. Sally is more into meal ingredients and preparation, while Amelia loves pouring wine and making sure everyone is comfortable. “Together,” says Sally, “we create total hospitality, from lavish Passover seders to Friday nights with friends.” She notes that her sister is the only other person who understands what the world looks like through the Ekus girls’ perspective.


Some adults might never meet face-to-face, but become friends via social media. American Jamie Schler,


How to Make Good Friends


by Shasta Nelson


Three Necessary Ingredients Both friendship and romantic bonds are developed when three things occur: We feel satisfi ed, which happens when an interaction has more positivity than negativity. We feel safe, which comes when we commit to consistent time with each other. We feel seen, which we experience when we practice revealing ourselves and expressing vulnerability. Here’s a formula for creating meaningful connections: Positivity + Consistency + Vulnerability = Frientimacy.


Two Steps


It usually takes most people six to eight interactions with someone new before they start feeling like friends. The sooner they schedule such occasions, the sooner the rewards. c Be open to making new friends. c Make the fi rst move; repeat.


One Ratio To keep a friendship going, remember that it has to have a positivity-to- negativity ratio of at least fi ve-to-one. That means sharing fi ve times more fun and feel-good moments than stressors that can range from disappointments and frustrations to jealousies. By defi nition, to be and keep a good friend requires that both parties bring satisfying positivity to the relationship.


Source: Adapted from Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Intimacy by Shasta Nelson; scheduled for release in March.


February 2016 19


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