Dr. Albert Ellis, who passed away in 2007, was a major influence in the field of cognitive therapies for over half a century. As a pioneer in the Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) school of therapy, Dr. Ellis was always more concerned with outcomes than with dogma. In his long and illustrious career, Dr. Ellis published numerous books, articles, and monographs. In this exclusive interview, from 1986, Dr. Ellis talked candidly and with fervor about “the asinine commands that others be kind, considerate, and fair, and that life conditions be easy, effortless, and untroubled.” He then goes on to castigate our thinking for what we do to those feelings when we unrealistically turn them into “the highly inappropriate feelings of an- guish, self-pity, rage, and depression” – all the feelings, in short, that keep a good salesperson from doing what he or she wants to do: go out and sell. “Disturbed people have over-
awareness,” says Dr. Ellis. “They’re so sensitive to their own errors that they down themselves. We’re trying to get them to have an objective view of themselves. ‘Yes, I did the wrong thing. It’s too bad. Now how am I going to correct it – to change?’” This interview with Selling Power focused on the uses of RET theory for selling more rationally and effectively and with greater commitment.
Selling Power: Suppose a salesper- son works very hard to make a sale, and, at the last minute, the prospect buys from someone else. Usually that salesperson will get angry. Is that an appropriate way to feel?
Dr. Ellis: Well, sanely he tells himself, “I don’t like losing the sale.” That’s ok. Even feeling angry about the inci- dent is all right also. But, if he adds, “I should not lose a sale; they should appreciate me and my product; they should buy from me,” and, if he then goes on to add, “They must buy from me because I want it,” then he’s in trouble. Then he is angry at the per- son who didn’t buy, and no longer just angry at the incident.
SP: What’s wrong with being angry at the person? Dr. Ellis: It’s inappropriate and also demotivating. Anger gives a pain in the gut and sidetracks us from tak- ing action.
SP: What are his options once he is angry? Dr. Ellis: His main option is to get rid of the anger. The elegant option is to acknowledge that he created the an- ger rather than blaming the incident for creating it.
SP: Even though losing the sale was the starting point for his being angry? Dr. Ellis: Yes. He may indeed have been treated harshly or unfairly, but that’s often the way the world is. Once he accepts that it’s too bad and often unfair, he loses the feeling of anger but retains the feeling of displeasure that will help him move forward from that point.
SP: So displeasure at an event is motivating, but anger at a person is demotivating. Dr. Ellis: That’s right. But don’t forget, anger is sometimes motivat- ing – it just motivates you to do the wrong thing. You scream or yell or whine or tell people off. You can be motivated much better by sorrow, displeasure, or regret.
SP: Do you think disappointment is a motivating feeling? Dr. Ellis: If it’s real disappointment
– rather than disappointment plus depression plus anger – then it is a good thing. Disappointment usu- ally motivates you to get better, less disappointing results in the future. The one emotion that has really got- ten lost in the shuffle is determination. People erroneously think that, to be determined, they have to be angry. They could just say, “That was very bad. I got treated poorly. But I am determined to try and make this sale – or, if that’s impossible, to make a sale elsewhere.”
SP: So, if a salesperson loses a sale and then gets angry, his options are... Dr. Ellis: He can pretend he’s not angry and hold onto it, which will make him steam inside. Or he can let out his anger and get temporary relief, because it will come back. Letting anger out only exacerbates it because, when you pound a pillow or something like that, you’re only saying to yourself, “He shouldn’t have done that to me, that S.O.B.!” The best way to deal with it is by ac- knowledging that you feel it and that you have responsibility for creating it. Then do something to eliminate it or minimize it by giving up your command that people must treat you right. The only sane thing to say to yourself is, “I would prefer that people always treat me well, but that is probably not possible.”
SP: In your books you have talked about “awfulizing,” “Can’t-stand-it- itis,” “shoulding,” “musting,” and “undeservingness.” Can you explain what these mean? Dr. Ellis: Most salespeople start a sales call with a preference. They want to make a sale. But they then say, “Because I want this very much, I must make it.” Now, if they don’t make the sale, they slide into several other negative states: 1) It’s awful that I didn’t make that sale – it’s horrible – terrible! That’s “awfulizing,” which many of us do from time to time. 2) I
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interview to modify your negative emotional responses.
Use this
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