Preternatural Postbag

Dr E.mann’s

Dear Dr E. Mann, Following a recent bout of intestinal distress, I visited my doctor, who said that my problems are all down to a lack of vitamins in my diet. Te problem is that I bloody love eating burgers. I really can’t get enough of them. I try to mix it up a bit by adding bacon, or cheese, but the quack (rather cryptically) said that unless I start to vary my diet, it’s only going to end one way. Can you use your powers of divination to see what indeed my future holds health-wise? BeefChegwin69, 52, Hopton

Dear Beef, Tank God you’ve taken the sensible route of seeking advice from a qualified practitioner of the Hippocratic arts, instead of this so-called “doctor” of “medicine”. Tis corporeal conundrum calls for a meaty method of divination such as haruspication – the time tested method of sacrificing an animal and reading its entrails. Unfortunately, livestock is a little thin on the ground at Chez Mann, so I chucked a carrier bag of giblets and offal at the garden fence. It doesn’t look good.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I love that Denis Potter the buoy wizard. I think Jay Kay Growling from Jimmirikwy is the best righter in the whirled. So, I want too right a book about that stuff two. I’ve got an idea where a magician does a trick that goes wrong and all the babies get too clever for tits and have to eat sand witches. Should I quit my job in government? MagikMikeGove, 49, address


Dear Mike, I too am fond of the written word, and indeed also the tales of Master Potter and co. I like to think that, had Hogwarts existed when I was a lad, I could’ve gotten in on a scholarship to hone my skills in the mystic arts. To determine whether your idea for a novel will bear literary fruit, I would normally turn to graphology – the study of handwriting. However, being as this was sent in via email, I’m going to have to rely on your choice of font, and Mike, I have to say that comic sans does not bode well. Also, I think you may have your spell-checker set to American English.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I’ve been playing this egg farm simulator on my phone, and in the past week, I’ve earned an estimated 42 quintillion dollars. Even taking into account the eggs-change rate, that’s a truckload of cash, and so I’m thinking of taking these skills into the real world and starting an egg farm. As far as I can see, the only thing standing in my way is avian flu. Can you use your gift of prophecy to tell me whether my chickens will be coughing up dough, or just coughing? CarrieYolky69, NR1

Dear Carrie, Tere’s an old saying that you shouldn’t count all your eggs in one basket without making an omelette. So, for this I’m going to use my training in oomancy (i.e. divination using

Astrology, crystal balls, tarot… I am the professor of prediction, the doctor of destiny.

Astrology, tea leaves, tarot… I am the professor of prediction, the doctor of destiny. If you require guidance into a difficult situation, or simply want to know what the future holds, then look no further. Want proof? Tink of a number, now times by ten. Divide it by two, and subtract the number that you first thought of. Te answer is five. MatheMagics!

eggs, as famously practiced by the Salem witches), and I’ve just cracked a double-yolker. Furthermore, during a swirling poach, the egg white took on the form of Humpty Dumpty being fingerblasted by a high- profile Bollywood starlet. Tis is a very promising sign.

Dear Dr E. Mann, My old ma has always loved a flutter on the horses, but since my dad passed away she’s gone a bit frantic with it and now it’s all horse this and horse that and horse the other and horse the first thing again. Horses horses horses. Wooden horses. Clothes horses. Horse brasses. She’s even started speaking in a rasping voice so she can make jokes about being “a little hoarse” and insists on calling me a “knob-jockey”. I’m at my fucking wits end. Please help. SonOfaCreatureFan, 42, Strumpshaw

Dear Knob-jockey, Cephaleonomancy is the art of prediction by boiling a donkey’s head. But I’ve no wish to make an ass of you or me, and so instead, I popped down to Redwings Horse Sanctuary to do a spot of phrenology on one of their spare nags. My skill with the skull told me two things: Firstly, animal cruelty is very much a grey area when it comes to the letter of the law, and secondly, you’re in for a very bumpy ride. It’s unlikely that her equine excess is going to abate anytime soon, so you better get used to it. If you really love your mum, may I suggest showing her some compassion. Also, tell her from me that Dandy Mincer

in the 10:30 at Newmarket is going to piss it by a mile.

Dear Dr E. Mann, Last Christmas, I got one of those vape thingies as a present, and I chuffing love it. Ever since then, I’ve been living with my head in the clouds, so to speak, but the only problem is my job. I’m a motorcycle courier, and no matter how hard I try, it just keeps fogging up my helmet and obscuring my vision when I’m on the road. As such, I’m thinking of packing it in to become a human smoke machine for parties and gigs and such. Is there any future in it for me? VgRider69, 25, Great Yarmouth

Dear Vg, Almost certainly not. Tere is little to no call for human smoke machines as machine smoke machines already do the job extremely well for very little initial outlay and negligible running costs. However, the real issue here is your seeming dissatisfaction with your current profession. A job more suited to a die-hard tank- chuffer is more up your alley, such as working in a vape shop. Or balloon-clown.

Running out of space, so just enough room to tell Sally of NR4 – tip if it doesn’t bleed; Ira of Bungay – it’ll stay that way regardless of wind-direction; Philip of Wells – eat it, bin it, and burst it, respectively; and Daniel of address withheld – butter usually works - if not, reset the router.

-Mail DrEMann@outlineo for psychic advice- 18 / APRIL 2017 / OUTLINEONLINE.CO.UK

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