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Preternatural Postbag


Dr E.mann’s


Dear Dr E. Mann I need some help deciding what to do with my life. I’m currently employed as a bus driver. However, I really think that I have what it takes to be a beekeeper. I love those little, fuzzy, yellow-and-black honey pimps, and I’ve already got a garden. My neighbour Alan built his own extension, and reckons that he can knock me up a half-dozen bee houses. What do you think? Am I wasting my life behind the wheel? Buzzdriver69, 47, via email


Dear Buzzdriver69, As I often take honey in my tea, I thought it apt to consult the tea-leaves on this quandary, and they are telling me that the name for a bee’s house is a hive, and that you have a lot to learn about being an apiarist. Don’t fall into a HONEY trap. Keep your job in public transport while learning how to milk bees part-time, perhaps with just one hive, and work your way up.


Dear Dr E. Mann I recently received an email from a Nigerian prince who is going to give me lots of money. However, I am at a bit of a loss as to how I will spend it. You see, I’ve never had a lot of money, and I will be giving the little that I have saved up to the Nigerian Department of Giving Money Away to help with their administration charges. I was thinking of getting a massive


yacht. What do you think? Lee, 52, Upton


Dear Lee, I’ve thrown the bones for the answer to this one – and they’re saying that it’s time to put on your life jacket, Lee from Upton, because you’re setting sail for riches galore. Yes, it’s clear that you will be in deep water, and without a paddle too, so it must be a big boat you’re getting. Te bones are also clearly stating that you won’t need to worry about how to spend the rest, so that’s very promising. Happy sailing, my friend.


Dear Dr E. Mann I’m just so confused about what to get my girlfriend for her birthday this month. She’s a Pisces, and as such, she loves EastEnders. I was thinking about a trip up to that Albert Square, maybe have a pint in Danny Dyer’s boozer, and even see if we can get Dot to do our washing whilst we have some chips Papapapapoo Bernard, 39, Hemsby


Dear Papapapapoo Bernard, As an accepting and escapist Pisces, I think your ladyfriend would absolutely love you to take her up the East End on her birthday. However, the stars mock you, my friend. Even the least soapy Pisces knows that Dot was fired from the laundrette just before Christmas, and now only washes people’s clothes


Astrology, crystal balls, tarot… I am the professor of prediction, the doctor of destiny.


Astrology, tea leaves, tarot… I am the professor of prediction, the doctor of destiny. If you require guidance into a difficult situation, or simply want to know what the future holds, then look no further. Want proof? How many fingers am I holding up? You don’t know, do you. Tat’s because you’re not psychic. I, however, am. It’s four.


at home. So, I’d go with the crockpot.


Dear Dr E. Mann Listen. I got this neighbour what is a bus driver and he wants to wank-off wasps or some shit. Well, fuck that noise. I don’t want them little bastards pissing up me flowers and flying up in me new extension. I gone told him I’d make him a couple of wasp- boxes to shut him up, and he told me that there’s all the wasp piss I can drink in it for me. Is it worth it, or what? Alan, 42, address withheld


Dear Alan, I often have wasp piss in my tea, so I’ve had a cup, and now I’m gazing into my crystal ball for the answer. Te smoke is clearing…hang on, it’s not smoke. It’s a cloud. A cloud of wasps. Big ones, Alan, and they’re angry. Tey’re angry with you, Alan, because you’ve done a shoddy job with their houses. Tey see you in your extension, and they want to take it for themselves. Tis doesn’t end well for you, Alan. I see you on your patio, armed with a flame-thrower, shirtless and screaming into the raging swarm. You’ve never felt so alive, Alan, but there’s just too many of them, and as your tanks run dry, you flail wildly as the swarm engulfs you; stinging you in the eyes, flying into your throat and suffocating you. As you lay twitching on the decking, they turn to see your kids running


up the path, returning from school. Your KIDS, Alan! Te wasps know that if they want the extension, then the kids also have to go. Wasps aren’t stupid, Alan. Cruel, but not stupid.


Dear Dr E. Mann So I got two grand to get a new motor I was thinking of getting one offline cos my mates getting rid of his golf but I seen a ford focus on gumtree going for a song what do you reckon? William, 34, Sandringham


Dear William, I’ve consulted Auto-Trader for this particular quandary, and I’ve got to say it depends on the year, spec, and service history. Don’t be put off if the Golf is a little older than the Ford – after all, you know what they say about Fords - but at the same time, how has your mate treated the VW? You don’t have to be psychic to know whether he’s the kind of guy that brakes heavily, rides the clutch, and doesn’t change the oil, whereas Gumtree is a stab in the dark at best.


Running out of space, so just enough room to tell Denzil of Unthank Road – It’ll definitely scar if you don’t leave it alone, Joey of Loddon – I don’t think you eat it, Susan of Poringland – If it’s a baby: yes, if it’s a plant: probably not, and cockbuster69 of email – Statistically speaking, Tursdays are the best.


-Mail DrEMann@outlineo nline.co.uk for psychic advice- 10 / MARCH 2017 / OUTLINEONLINE.CO.UK


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