Choose Love, Not Fear


By Henry Grayson, PhD


manifest in other ways, such as coldness, raising the voice, ignoring, and arguing. It is so easy to get entangled and take part in the situa- tion. All it takes is one person to express it and then things can easily escalate out of control resulting in a situation lasting longer than it should and both people feeling miserable.


W In order to prevent an unpleasant and stressful situation, it is


imperative that we be able to look beyond the anger into the other person and realize that anger is not a natural state of being. Almost always, where there arises confl ict there is an absence of love, and there is an abundance of fear.


You can be right or you can be happy As adults, we need the ability to step back when we are experi- encing an angry outburst from someone and observe the person and the situation. This is very diffi cult because many of us have a need to “win.” This façade of triumph over another and the need to be “right” can prolong any unpleasant situation. This is why it is impera- tive to train yourself to not add fuel to the fi re by participation and diffuse it with observation. This is not easy and it takes practice.


When an argument with your mate or friend has ensued and


you are in a heated discussion and no end seems near, this is the perfect time to choose to look at the situation in a new way, some- thing we call a perceptual shift. As you notice faces becoming red, voices rising, and you feel your stress level elevating, you need to shift your perception from you being a victim to focusing on the other person as being frightened and full of fear.


Once you are able to look beyond their behavior and focus on the fear that resided just below the surface of the turmoil, it may be easier to respond to the other person with kindness instead of anger and disapproval. Often times, the other person will accuse you of try- ing to manipulate them as your tone softens, and they may question your sincerity. Do not let this deter your loving behavior. This is all the more reason to stick to your plan and to focus on extending love and expressing compassion. This process may take some time before the other person begins to understand that you have an interest in eradicating the painful experience of the argument for both of you.


34 Natural Nutmeg - March 2017 By seeing the fear, you can let go of your own fears in dealing


with such a diffi cult situation. Seeing the other person differently allows you to create different feelings, which in turn bring different ways of behaving towards them, which in turn cumulatively begins to heal the other’s fears of further hurts. As your false perceptions heal, the other person also heals.


Perceptions rule the world If you view others as capable, you will deal with them different- ly and they will behave differently. People with angry outbursts and even violent behavior problems should be regarded as frightened and appealing for help and for love. With this perception, we are all less likely to participate in the battle that stands before us. Instead of feeling like the other person requires control and judgment, view them as needing your love and help.


Someone’s whole world can change as a result of how you per-


ceive them and that is why perception is such a powerful force. How is it our perceptions of others and situations have such an infl uence on our experience of them? Projection makes perception. Quite simply, this means that the thoughts and beliefs inside of us are pro- jected, coloring our perception of the outside world, its events, and our relationships in it. It is not what another person says or does, nor the events of life that make us happy or unhappy, but rather what we think about that person’s behavior or those events. Just imagine: If the same event universally brought happiness,


one could have a most successful industry of packaging and market- ing it! Yet we know that when many people go through the same ex- perience, each one’s interpretive perception is often quite different.


hen things get stressful in relationships, it is not uncom- mon for there to be an outburst of anger. Someone gets angry and exhibits behavior that can border on violent or


Kill fear with kindness


Often mistrustful people will react in a negative manner to the kindness and become suspicious of your intentions. People have a diffi cult time processing the fact that they actually have a choice between happiness and misery. If this continues to happen, despite your efforts to stop the stress, you may need to evaluate whether or not this is an appropriate relationship for you. Both people need to respond in kind. Sometimes your efforts will show you the other person’s desire to remain in pain and cling to their suffering.


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