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Preternatural Postbag

Dr E.mann’s

Dear Dr E. Mann, It’s been a sad start to the year for me, as my great grandmother died in a pudding accident. On the upside, she has left me a rather large stack of money, along with two chinchillas and a full collection of Smurfs. I’m torn between what to do. Should I wisely invest it in a long term, low risk savings scheme, or blow it on six months in Ibiza? Bill, 24, Swaffham

Dear Bill, It’s over to the Tarot cards for this one, my heavy-walleted friend… and your three-card spread indicates that it’s time to eBay your Smurfs, kennel the chinchillas, pack your suitcase, and hit the airport. Faint heart ne’er won fair maiden, and there’s fair maidens in Ibiza by the Red-Bull-filled bucketload. Trust in the cards, Bill, and I promise you can’t go Pete Tong (wrong).

Dear Dr E. Mann, I done got a big poo on my lorn lots of times now. I fink it them bastads next door cat. I wanna know from your cristal ball. Do I poson the cat, or is they’re a better thing to do that will also work? Lol. Peggy, 47, Address withheld

Dear Peggy, Well, I don’t need to be ‘sykick’ to deduce that school wasn’t for you, but my balls

are here for everyone, so let’s take a look… OK, the smoke is clearing… and it’s telling me that there’s more than one way to skin a cat (metaphorically). I see a dog in your feline-free future. Unfortunately, the dog also shits on your lawn. You can’t run from fate.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I’m a Sagittarius, and as such am an independent woman. However, I’ve recently started to feel like I should settle down. I’ve met this guy online and we’ve been chatting on Facebook, but I’m afraid to commit to a date. Please tell me what lies in store if I do. Is he the one for me? He’s quite hot. Candy, 23, Costessey

Dear Candy, As you are an independent, unemotional Sagittarius, I understand why the idea of settling down may be daunting for you. However, Jupiter is under the moon this month, which suggests that you should throw caution to the wind. Definitely meet up with him, preferably somewhere isolated and miles from anywhere - but absolutely do not tell anyone where you’re going. You don’t want to be embarrassed if it doesn’t go well. I jest of course. Don’t go. Te guy’s a boob.

Dear Dr E. Mann,

Astrology, crystal balls, tarot… I am the professor of prediction, the doctor of destiny.

If you require guidance into a difficult decision, or simply want to know what the future holds, then look no further. Want proof? Tink of a number between 1 and 100… 76, right? Not you – the guy behind you. He’s not even reading this. And that’s how good I am. Let’s go to the inbox…

I’m not racist, but my neighbour borrowed a step-ladder from me two weeks ago and he uses it to look over his fence at me when I’m doing the washing up. Te thing is, it quite excites me. All those suds and his piercing blue eyes drinking in my soapy taps. Unfortunately, I need to get a box of baubles back into the loft. What should I do? Mrs E. Bamble, 59, Poringland

Dear Mrs Bamble, Te runes are very clear on this one. Buy another step- ladder.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I’ve been a fan of your horrorscopes for some time now, so thanks for this mind-blowingly amazing opportunity to get some one-on-one advice. I’ve got this very important dinner coming up, and I was just wondering if you could look into the future and tell me the best way to make a soufflé? Gaz, 34, NR2

Dear Gaz, I’ve been gazing into my scrying mirror, and have seen that, in the distant future, a soufflé is made in much the same way it is today, but by robots. Te fundamentals are the same, though. You know, separate five eggs, make a roux sauce, add the yolks, beat the whites to stiff peaks, fold them into the roux, turn

the mixture into a buttered soufflé dish and bake that eggy bastard for about 30 mins at gas mark 6. Piece of piss.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I move house. Only, I got a hoomin pigeon. Bloody thing get out and go flying all over the place. Silly bastard go back to me old house. But the new owner say the bird love him and he tell me to fuck off. Ten he throw millet at me out the window. What do I go do? Pigeonman34, 57, Bungay

Dear Pigeonman34, I’ve used an ancient Native American tribal ritual to connect with the animal’s soul. Somewhere over Loddon, actually. Unfortunately, the bird really is in love with the new occupant of number 86, and its little birdy heart wants, what its little birdy heart wants. If you love something set it free, if it doesn’t come back, maybe take a little look at yourself.

Running out of space, so just enough room to tell Steven of Coltishall - No, don’t ever do that; Barry of NR3 - Just pay for the dog; David of Bowthorpe – You only usually get one of those; and Valerie from Unthank Road – It sounds like you’ve got a type-one spectral entity in your glove-box.

-Mail DrEMann@outlineo for psychic advice- 10 /FEBRUARY 2017 / OUTLINEONLINE.CO.UK

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