working with your soon-to-be ex-spouse is tough and working with lawyers is dif- ficult, try dealing with a lawyer assigned to your child,” cautions Rosenbaum. “All of a sudden, there is a nonparent, non- relative, involved in your children’s lives that doesn’t understand your family’s needs. Mediation also avoids the risk of a court appointing a forensic psycholo- gist or therapist. If you are in Nassau or Suffolk counties and you litigate custody or visitation issues, a judge you do not know will appoint a lawyer you do not know to represent your kids.”
n Be a role model. Conflict is unavoid- able in life. Children will learn this soon enough if they haven’t already wit- nessed it firsthand during the marriage. What is most important for children’s development is to see resolution. Show them that not only could an agreement be reached but that it was reached with respect, dignity and care.
n Move on and stop the drama. A child sees what his/her parents focus on and translates that into what the child thinks he/she should focus on. If the divorcing couple expend all their energy on the separation or obsess over the relation- ship or minutiae afterward, the child will get the message that the breakup is important enough for the child to ob- sess over as well. If parents want their children to adjust to the changes made, then parents must too.
n Allow the child to love the soon-to- be ex-spouse, his/her extended family and even his/her new significant other, if there is one, and be loved in return. People often start out as best friends when getting married but can rarely call themselves that at the end of a divorce. Whatever differences came between a child’s parents, a child will typically still love them just the same. A parent shouldn’t make the child feel guilty for loving the other parent. There may not be a speck of love or affection between a separating couple, but one thing is for sure, a child needs to be loved during this time more than ever. Parents need to allow the child to be surrounded by people that love the child, whether they
natural awakenings May 2016 49
are the other parent’s family or his/her new significant other.
n Consider therapy before divorce, during and after. Therapists can help a couple before the separation with how best to tell the child and the family. They can offer strategies for the child on how to talk about it with friends, classmates and family afterward. It’s important the separating couple is on the same page when it comes to their child’s well-being, and a therapist can assist them in that endeavor. A child’s feelings throughout the process should be validated, not ignored or discounted, regardless of what may be happening legally or in the “adult experience.” A professional can ensure that the child’s
feelings are acknowledged and progress in a healthy manner.
Regardless of whether divorce was by choice or not, it is a life-changing event that doesn’t have to be life-ending for the divorcing couple or their children. By putting aside negative feelings or preconceived notions and placing chil- dren first in the equation (not last and certainly not in the middle), parents can start on the road to healing and hap- piness for themselves and their most important marital asset—their children.
Elinka Boyle-Rosenbaum is a Natural Awakenings Long Island staff writer, progressive school mom and active gardener.
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64