are too numerous or too great to overcome and that the dif- ficult task of severing their relationship is necessary. In many ways, this choice to end something bad and begin anew, al- though intended to be a step in a positive direction, can begin a new, difficult emotional journey for the separating couple. Not to mention, a whole checklist of logistical items that must be considered, such as marital assets, finances, spousal sup- port, property and custody of the children. Hopefully, the separating parents can put aside their
own stressors, fears and grief (yes, one is permitted to grieve the ending of a bad marriage) and place the children first during this transition. Numerous studies show that a child’s failure to emo-
Children and Divorce
by Elinka Boyle-Rosenbaum T
ypically, people do not get married with the intent to one day get divorced; however, a large percent- age of marriages end in divorce nevertheless, many
of which include children. Although divorce is considered the legal ending of a marriage between two adults, it inher- ently involves the whole family. Oftentimes, the divorcing couple have already discussed their marital problems with their peers or parents in order to obtain help, guidance or approval of their actions. So when a separation is underway, those people have knowledge and an understanding of how the couple came to arrive at divorce. Children, however, tend to be in a unique position.
There is no doubt that the separating couple have put some thought into how their divorce will impact their children or, most commonly, who will get custody. But these little people, who were only brought into their circumstances by the deci- sions their adult caretakers made, did not have an active role in their parents’ separation, nor did they get an inside perspective that friends or family did when leading up to the split. Yet, many of them bear witness to the demise of their parents’ marriage in a more intimate and emotional way. Divorce tends to follow many years of dysfunction. Argu-
ments, financial difficulties, infidelity, emotional disconnect and more can all be contributing factors. Whatever the causes, the divorcing couple have finally decided that their problems
48 Long Island Edition
tionally survive a couple’s breakup has more to do with their parents own poor behavior and not the actual breakup itself. The common understanding is that the more adver- sarial and dysfunctional the separating couple are, the more difficult it is for the children to adjust emotionally following the breakup. In a nutshell, the grown-ups have to behave in a grown-up fashion. During a separation is not the time to play games, whether legal, financial or emotional. The child should not be a weapon in an arsenal to be used against the ex-spouse. The child should not be a messenger to be used should the couple have communication problems. The child, no matter the age, should not be an emotional crutch or “friend” to help one or both of his/her parents through the divorce. Children have their own needs and issues, which require thoughtful care and attention during this transition and well after a divorce is finalized.
Here are a few things for parents to consider in order to help their children negotiate these emotional waters:
n Consider a mediated divorce. Divorce tends to conjure a sense of opposition or, at the very least, a putting up of defenses so one is not “raked over the coals.” It has become synonymous with costly and lengthy legal battles. But with a mediated divorce, the separating couple meets with a neutral mediator that listens to both sides. A good mediator will identify the emotional roadblocks and work through the important issues until an agreement satisfactory to both parties is reached; then that agreement is formally filed with the court so a divorce can be granted. Cory Rosenbaum, of modern Divorce Law (
ModernDivorceLaw.com), in Long Island and the five boroughs, who has experience with both mediation and contested divorce, advocates for mediation, as it “fosters cooperation with regard to the children, allowing both parties to feel that they are fully able to participate in being a parent as life moves on. It allows the parents to structure their time and involvement in their children’s lives in a way that fits the family rather than adhering to a structure imposed by a court. Mediation also helps kids by simply lowering the animosity.” Another benefit of mediation is that it allows participants to avoid lawyers being appointed for their children. “If you think
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