12 San Diego Reader April 21, 2016
Walter
Mencken’s
SD ON THE QT Shameless
Albie: “Of course, it had to be a tuna melt, be- cause a lot of what Cruz says, however appealing it may be, sounds more than a little fishy.”
Paying Fromage?
In honor of candidate’s Mission Valley visit, Albie’s Beef Inn introduces the Ted
Cruz Open-Face Melt On April 11, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz held a sold-out rally at the Mission Valley Town & Country Resort, during which he accused rival candidate Donald Trump of undue complaining about the party’s delegate- allocation process. “As we know, in the state of California, whine is something best served with cheese,” quipped Cruz. “That’s when it hit me,” says Rick Albie, fourth-generation proprietor of Albie’s Beef Inn, a restaurant located in Mission Valley’s nearby Travelodge Resort, and a curious attendee at the Cruz rally. “It was such a cheesy joke — literally. Plus, it sounded almost clever but was actually absurd if you thought about it. The cheese and the absurdity combined in my mind with the fact that everyone always says that Cruz looks like his face is melting off of his skull. I got busy with his picture and a small sheet of copper, and in half an hour, voilà: I had a Ted Cruz heat ’n’ stamp cheese brander. We already had a solid tuna melt on the menu; all I had to do was make sure every slice of 100% cheddar cheese we slapped on got lov- ingly emblazoned with Ted’s head. The customer response has been fantastic: whether they support Cruz or hate him, they love his sandwich. That’s the great thing about delicious kitsch: you can enjoy it sincerely or ironically or both.” Finally, Albie says he likes the edible portrait
because it reminds him of “those images of Jesus that people sometimes think they see on their toast. Because if Cruz wins, it’ll be a straight-up miracle.”
On April 7, Democratic candidate for city attorney Gil Cabrera penned an op-ed for
VoiceofSanDiego.com enti- tled “Slut Shaming Isn’t a Viable Legal Strategy.” He decried the tendency of lawyers to defend clients accused of sexual harassment to “dig into a victim’s sexual history, talk about how much she had to drink before an alleged assault, suggest she led the attacker on — or worse, question her sanity.” In the recent case against former mayor Bob Filner, “witnesses were asked disturbing personal ques- tions about their sexual histories and social lives, as if that would somehow undermine the importance of what they had to say.” He promised that,
Ex-mayor Bob Filner comes out in support of city attorney candidate Cabrera following anti-slut-shaming op-ed
if elected, “we will not engage in slut- shaming or victim blaming,” to the point of “seek[ing] appropriate court orders to restrict the type of questions that may be asked.” On April 8, ex-mayor Filner issued
the following statement: “I wish to express my gratitude for Mr. Cabre- ra’s excellent essay, and in light of its excellent message, I have decided to endorse him for city attorney, even though he is a former head of the busybody Ethics Commission. I, too, think it’s a terrible thing to shame a slut. Then, as now, I believe that sluts should be celebrated, honored, and revered for the great favors they so freely bestow upon us. In fact, in most
In this file photo, Filner and Cabrera assess the contestants at 2012’s San Di- ego Slutstravaganza, a charity event benefitting anti sex-trafficking initiatives
of the so-called instances of harass- ment that cost me my job as the peo- ple’s mayor, I was merely attempting to ascertain if the other party was in fact a slut or not. Cabrera is right again when he says that you can’t always tell by the way someone is dressed. Better to come right out and ask if she wants to have sex right there on the desk. No shame required. In fact, if we removed the stigma surrounding sluts, sexual harassment wouldn’t even be a thing anymore. Asking someone for
sex would be no different than asking them for coffee. “For the record,” concluded Filner,
“I’m also opposed, like Mr. Cabrera, to victim-blaming. I’m the victim of a huge Republican witch hunt, and I’ve been blamed for a whole lot of things as a result. Most of them unfairly. I’ll do everything I can to help him get elected.” As of press time, Mr. Cabrera
had not responded to a request for comment.
UCSD’s Stonewall moment? Amazon Primal
Donald Trump appropriates
scrawled slogan for border wall initiative
On April 10th, a series of pro- Trump messages was found scrawled in chalk on the side- walks of UCSD, at least one of which included the slogan, “Build the wall, deport them all.” University administration and student groups were quick to denounce the graffiti as racist and intolerable, but the Republi- can presidential candidate didn’t share their point of view. “The only people you can legally deport are people who are not legally supposed to be here,” he argued in a letter to the San Diego Union-Tribune. They want to call
Trump unveils his plan for the new “message-for- ward” border wall in Otay Mesa last week.
this populist outcry racist and unacceptable, but real Americans know better. To me, this seems more like the work of a perse- cuted minority amid the hyper- liberal atmosphere of collegiate
California. These are frightened, fed-up citizens demanding jus- tice the only way they know how. I hear their plea, and I want them to know I hear it. That’s why I’m proposing
to build at least one section of my Greater Wall from concrete blocks modeled after the section of sidewalk that bore this historic protest. Maybe one day it will serve as a memorial to the great- ness that was America. But not if I can help it. Hey, UCSD: if elected, I will indeed build the wall, and you can bet your ass that I will deport them all. Thank you, and God Bless America.”
San Diego selected as trial city for online retailer’s personal- ized organ-delivery service
Today, Amazon announced “the next step in our evolution toward becoming the most essential goods-and-services provider the world has ever seen. Thanks to technology we’d rather not discuss and you’d rather not know about, we can now deliver you exact repli- cas of your own organs — right to your door, in two hours or less. Patients used to have to wait weeks, months, or even years for viable replacement organs. And even then, there was always the risk that the body would reject tissue donated by another person. Not anymore. Right now, you can order up a new liver, a new pair of kidneys, or even a new stomach or pair of lungs, and we’ll have it to you before your surgeon has made it in from the golf course. And in the very near future, we plan to offer hearts, glands, and even brains. So, even if your mind is blown by this incred- ible announcement, don’t worry — you’ll be able to get a new one in no time!”
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