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CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 We can't change each other and we won't ever find romantic joy by wishing that we could. Tere was another famous Capricorn who didn’t ch-ch-ch-ch-change people to find romantic joy, wasn’t there. Praise him. Tat’s right: David Bowie. Or Elvis. Or Jesus. Take your pick. Be more like Bowie. Or Elvis. Or Jesus. Your lucky chick is pea

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 Be sure of yourself this month. As we edge into spring, change is in the air, and there are untold opportunities for self-improvement, but only if you stick to your principles. Remember, oh stubborn Aquarius, the winds of change can fill your sails, or they can blow sand into your ice cream, but an unyielding reed will snap. So stand your ground, go with the flow, weather the storm, and be the change you want to see in others. Your lucky tomb is the Mummy’s

ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 We all know how things ought to be during a month like this. It’s a time for re-birth, oh optimistic Aries. A time for new beginnings, a time of fertility - both physically and spiritually - and a time for growth, thus making it the perfect time to start again. Forget New Year resolutions, March is the month to re-invent yourself. Just be careful not to go over the top – a new look or attitude is healthy, a whole new personality is a sign of either witness protection or mental illness. Your lucky egg is Benedict

you, oh oversensitive Cancer. Stop expecting people to walk on eggshells, and embrace the directness and honesty of a curt remark or a frank exchange. You might find that you know where you stand a bit more. Your lucky ash is cigarette

LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 All relationships involve a power struggle. Tis interplay of control is what gives some of the best relationships their magical ‘spark’. Of course, this means that whilst one of you can be occasionally dominant, the other has to consent to being submissive, otherwise you end up with a cold war stalemate, and let’s face it, no one wants to fuck the Berlin wall. Oh, stubborn Leo, to win, sometimes you must lose. Your lucky passion is music

TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 We never can be sure about the other people in our world. Tere is a reason for this, oh possessive Taurus. It’s not your world. I know it feels at times as though we are the stars of our own private soap operas, but this subjective experience is a common phenomenon, and that is why – shock horror – sometimes other people will do what’s best for them, regardless of how this affects you. Welcome to the real world. Your lucky rabbit is Welsh

GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 20 Your beating heart, it seems, will not be still. Which is a good thing, right? I mean, other than the literal cardiological implications, life should not be safely endured from the side-lines, but charged into, blood pumping and pulse racing. Oh, energetic Gemini, I understand that post-Christmas, the pace of life can slow a touch, but it’s time to ‘spring’ into action as Easter approaches. Take this advice like an epinephrine shot to the heart, and charge at March like a crazed, foaming mouthed meth-head. Your lucky onion is spring

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 People aren't always as nice to each other as we wish they were. Well, if wishes were fishes, we’d be up to our tits in cod shit. A better wish would be to wish that you had thicker skin. Tis is my wish for

8/ March 2016/

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 You don't need the cafe with the rose in the vase on the table, but nor do you want to eat in a greasy spoon where the cutlery is chained to the table and the toilets are full of bangers and mash. Tis month, oh adaptable Pisces, you’ll need to strike a balance. Aim too high and you’ll have waiters sneering at you, aim too low and you’ll be eating egg and chips with Britain First. Spiritually speaking, of course. Your lucky supper is fish

VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 Te planets suggest you are uncharacteristically full of assertive energy this week. As such, if there is anything that you have been struggling to get green-lit over the past few months, now is the time to strike. Oh, observant Virgo, look for the window of opportunity to open, run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it, blue-sky that fucker this month, and kick it right in the think tank. Just don’t go crying to HR if people start expecting you to get shit done. Your lucky cross is Labradoodle

LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 Tis is a leap year and in the olden days, when the world was a much more stupid, sexist, place, it was held that only once every four years, when February got an extra day, was it appropriate for a woman to propose marriage to a man. Tankfully, times have changed, and now it’s acceptable

for you indecisive Libran ladies to put a ring on it whatever the dateline, but if you need an excuse, now is the time. If I were you, though, I wouldn’t bother. Your lucky nail is Jimmy

SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 We don't always get what we want in life. And that’s probably a good thing. “Be careful what you wish for,” goes the old saying, “it might just come true.” Oh, unyielding Scorpio, do really need that thingamajig you’ve been after? It could be more trouble than it’s worth, an albatross around your neck, an overly heavy hat. Your lucky crown is porcelain

SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 'Roses are red, violets are blue...' goes the old rhyme. It’s bullshit though, isn’t it. Violets are violet, not blue. Hence the name. Oh, independent, unemotional Sagittarius, use that unemotional independence to see through the pretty nonsense and get to the heart of the matter. Roses are red, violets are violet, see all the bullshit, and how high they pile it. Your lucky rock is punk


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