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4) Someone cries Emotions are running high, so if one of our winners starts bawling, you start drinking - and you don’t stop until they do. You better hope that they can still get their words out though, because if that music starts coming in as well, it’s a double-whammy and you have to double-drink, so watch out. Another Paltrow incident and we could all end up in hospital.


Te Oscars wouldn’t be the Oscars without a drink or two, and if you, like us, are staying up all night on Sunday the 22nd to experience showbiz’s biggest night, then this is the drinking game for you. So, stock up, tune in, and follow our boozy lead.

First off, pick your winners. Whether you do a bit of research, or choose at the last second, get it right – have a drink. For the record, here’s who we’ll be drinking to in the top six categories:

Best PictureBoyhood Best Director Richard Linklater (Boyhood) Best ActorMichael Keaton (Birdman) Best Actress Julianne Moore (Still Alice) Best SupportingActor: JK Simmons (Whiplash) Best Supporting Actress Patricia Arquette (Boyhood)

Luckily, you don’t just have to rely on razor sharp cinematic acumen to ensure your Monday hangover, as here are some other designated

drinking opportunities to look out for during the gong-giving.

1) Neil Patrick Harris sings/dances Tis year’s host is sure to trip the light fantastic at the top of the show, so crack a bottle of beer/pour a large glass of wine when the song starts, and have it finished by the time the number is over. Drink, do jazz hands, sorted.

2) Someone botches a line With the champers flowing, someone fluffing their line whilst presenting an award is sure to happen. Fear not, drunken starlets, we salute you. I recommend a large “wahey” followed by a commiseration swig or shot for anyone that gets in a mucking fuddle.

3) Someone’s speech is cut short by the music Tere are a lot of statuettes to be given out, and often people need a none-too-subtle nudge that their time in the spotlight is up. Whether it’s a six-man visual effects team all wanting to thank their mums, or someone who hijacks the occasion for political statement, start drinking when the music comes on, and don’t stop until they have left the stage. “wahey” followed by a commiseration swig or shot for anyone that gets in a mucking fuddle.

5) Someone thanks God. Hallelujah! Drink.

6) Someone says they “didn’t have anything

prepared” Yeah? If you didn’t think you’d be up there, why are you wearing a f*cking suit then? Drink.

7) Someone does a swear Despite being told not to say f*ck or bugger, sometimes these f*cking buggers just can’t help themselves. If the air turns blue, repeat the said naughty word and drink. Just be thankful Mickey Rourke isn’t nominated.

8) Someone falls over Tere’s always someone who trips, falls, loses a shoe, etc. Tere’s only one way to salute them – drink. Lets see if J-law can make it 3 for 3.

9) Leo’s Oscar It has become something of a running joke, but the fact that Mr DiCaprio is still gong-less is unlikely to go unmentioned by either presenters or commentators. Poor Leo, what will make him feel better? Drink.

10) Someone mispronounces someone’s name “And the nominations are; Chewe… Chiwat… Twelve-Years-a-Slave- Guy!” Last year certainly had its moments, and nothing beats the look of fear on a presenters face when the autocue fills up with a name that they haven’t prepared for. Best direction looks like rich pickings this year. Tey flub - you drink..

11) America – F*ck yeah. Tere’s always a relevant joke to be made relating to the past year in cinema, and my money is on the hoo-ha caused by ‘Te Interview’ and the subsequent North Korean backlash. Any jokes about the film, including its stars, Kim Jong Un, or the subsequent Sony hack – drink.

12) Someone messes with Benedict

Cumberbatch’s name. Brundlefly Candelabra, Bumblesquat Cumberband - messing up Benny-boy’s moniker has been one of the top internet pastimes of the last year. And why not, it’s great fun. We’ve certainly had a laugh with it over the last twelve months, therefore there is a good chance that someone will have a crack at it on the night. If they do, raise a glass to Bramblebush.

13) Someone’s had some “work done”. Tey almost always wheel out some quivering old-guard catastrophe who looks like they’ve been hit in the face with a hot shovel. When the centre of attention is more Tupperware than evening wear - drink.

So that’s it then. If all goes to plan, everyone should be drood and gunk by the end. Who’s the winner? I don’t know. Whoever remembered to book

the Monday off work, probably. Jay & Smiley Always drink responsibly and in moderation.

28 /February 2015/

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