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PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 We all need the ability to switch-off our emotions. Oh, oversensitive Pisces, your psyche is like one of those bedside lamps with the hard to reach switches, and, as old Auntie Mann used to say, ‘every now and then you’ve got to stick your hand into the shade, find the button, and flick it off.’ Obsessed with sockets, that woman, but, to her credit, she never blew a bulb in 50 years. Your lucky love is shack.

ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 What will happen if you don't have the right answer? Answers are something you crave, but they only come with experience. Oh, impatient Aries, don’t be in such a rush to find the right answers, concentrate on asking the right questions. Leave the right answers to trained professionals, like scientists, teachers, and astrologers.Your lucky love is Endless by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie.

Your lucky love is the drug, by Roxy Music.

TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 Some people are frail. Some people will tell you that those people slow you down. Other people will tell you that those other people are wrong, and that we have to look out for the first group of people. Remember, people, at some point you could find yourself in the first group of people, and then you’ll be really grateful for the third group of people. Ah, people. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world. Your lucky love is made to you by Boyz II Men.

GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 22 If you sit by the side of a stream and you swish the water with your hands as it rushes past, will you make it flow any faster? No. Of course not, that would be mental, and only a fool would try. Oh, impulsive Gemini, this metaphor is for you. Te stream is life; don’t slap at it with your palm when you could be playing pooh-sticks. Your lucky love will do anything (but it won’t do that).

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 When witnesses are sworn in at trials they are asked, 'Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?' Ting is, it’s a rhetorical question, because you can’t say no. Tried it once, wouldn’t recommend it. However, as old Auntie Mann used to say, ‘snitches get stitches.’ In situations like these, I strongly advise that you use your Cancerian adaptability vis-a-vis the truth. It’s a nice trait you’ve got there. Be a real shame if someone mussed it up for you. Your lucky love will be watching every step you take, by Don’t Call Te Police.

LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 In the old days, sensitive souls saw faerie folk. Or so they thought. Well, I did some “sensory experimentation” at festivals in the 70s, and I saw Mr Tumnus get his freak on at a Narnian disco-orgy whilst, all around me, the ground turned to Turkish Delight. Oh, stubborn Leo. You can’t always believe the evidence of your senses. It may seem groovy at the time, but don’t be the guy in the middle of a field singing Night Fever alone with a hard-on and a mouth full of turf.

10 / February 2015/

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 Perhaps there are too many sporting events. Tese days, whatever you’re into, be it cars, boats, horses, balls, horses and balls, rods, bats, sticks, water, sand, or air, there’s a sport for you. Oh, inventive Aquarius, life is like a sport. Some see it as a hunt, others as a team game. Some treat it like a marathon, others as a sprint. My point is that if you don’t like the rules, change the game. Your lucky love is in an elevator, performed by Aerosmith.

VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 When you feel as if nothing makes sense, there's only one thing you can do. As old Auntie Mann once said, ‘Take a deep breath, count to ten, and reassess the situation. Go, go, Power Rangers!’ She was watching the television at the time, and that’s three things, but she had a point. Like the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, those three actions synergise into one awesome solution, much stronger than the sum of its parts. Respirate, numerate, and cogitate. It’s Morphin' time.Your lucky love is a caravan, joined by every woman, every man, and Te Housemartins.

LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 Some people say it's money that makes the world go round. Well, you know what they say about opinions and arseholes: Everyone’s got one, everyone thinks everyone else’s stinks, and it can be inappropriate to air them at dinner parties. Oh, idealistic Libra, don’t let cynical, shitty opinions taint your whole view - it’s love that

makes the world go round. And that’s an arsehole you can take to the bank. Your lucky love is all you need. Te Beatles.

SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it. Oh, passionate Scorpio. ‘Tis soon the feast of St Valentine, and cosmic forces are saying it’s time to listen to ‘80s pop sensation Bananarama. I don’t mean actually listen to them, but heed their sage advice. If you want to meet people, stand up straight, be yourself, and that’s what gets results. Join me next month when I’ll be channelling Frankie Goes to Hollywood and revealing their tips for dealing with stress. Your lucky love is Te Power of, by Jennifer Lewis and Te News Goes to Hollywood

SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 Tere's a difference between a venture and an adventure. Oh, unemotional, independent Sagittarius, I’m not going to tell you the difference. You’re the same stone-hearted loner that you were last month. You haven’t listened to me so far, so you figure it out. If you’re so happy being unemotional and independent, then you’re on your own. How’s that for independence, you icy tit. Your lucky love is All Around Wet Wet Wet

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 'Almost all of our relationships begin and most of them continue as forms of mutual exploitation, a mental or physical barter, to be terminated when one or both parties run out of goods.' So said W. H. Auden, the old romantic. Well, there was another famous Capricorn who spoke wisely of love, wasn’t there. Praise him. Tat’s right. Elvis. ‘Love me tender, love me true,’ he famously sang. And his parties never ran out of goods. Be more like Elvis. Your lucky love is shack.


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