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JANUARY 2015


Mitch McConnell, Trump Reaffirm Pledges


(R-KY) revealed his 2015 New Year’s resolution ahead schedule.


U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell of


Soon before the


2014 mid-term elections, McConnell announced that, if re-elected, he would devote the next 22 months in offi ce to making dead sure that Barack Obama will only be a two-term president. Not wanting to be left out, Donald Trump piped in that he was one of the western hemisphere’s leading capitalist CEOs. Trump then piped that in again, just for good measure, well shaken down. “And,” he said, “I love deadlines.” Trump then announced that, within no more than 20 months max, he would present documentation defi nitively showing that Barack Obama is not a U.S. citizen.


“You mean a birth


certifi cate?” a reporter from the WV Observer asked. But Trump, who stood six feet from the reporter, could not be reached for comment. Handlers started to whisk Trump off to his second hairdresser appointment of the day. “Do you have real estate holdings in West Virginia, Mr. Trump?” aggressively shouted the reporter to the vanishing Trump.


“No, northern Virginia is way


too liberal,” Trump shouted back, “but I have an aunt who lives in western Virginia. I hold the mortgage on her house.” Trump disappeared into a cavernous limousine subsidized by big government loopholes in real estate tax laws and the big government bio-fuels program that infl ates food costs—even for greens committed to using only public transportation (and only that not dependent on fracked natural gas)—for lack of big government regulation to limit how much high-fructose corn syrup the food industry can pump into processed foods.


Mysteries of North Korea


In April 2015 it will come out that the late-2014 return


of American prisoner Jeffrey Fowle after six months in a North Korean prison was not


unrelated to the long


disappearance from public view of the nation’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, son and Great Successor of Kim Jong-ill [sic] (1941–2011) and grandson of Kim Ill Sung [sic] (1912–1994). The 56-year-old Fowles traveled to North Korea on a tourist visa in April 2014. He was arrested after he left a Bible in a hotel. (Earlier television reports said Fowles left the Bible in a bar.) North Korea offi cially takes the Bible at face value, not so- called literally, and therefore naturally considers it a threat to authoritarian government. It will be divulged that Kim Jong Un disappeared from public


view late last year


because he read that Bible confi scated from Fowles. (Early television reports were confl icted over whether Kim Jong Un was at the bar or with Fowles in his


hotel room.)


On fi rst reading, the Bible unsettled the Supreme Leader, because he was born of his father and his father’s consort Co Young Hee. But by the time the Great Successor got well into the New Testament,


he encountered


that amazing verse, 1 Timothy 5:23, in which Paul of Tarsus, the apostle formerly known as Saul, advises his understudy Timothy to “Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach’s


sake and


thine often infi rmities.” It will turn out that the reference at the end—to “thine often infi rmities”—explains why Kim Jong Un’s brief return to public view saw him sporting a cane. A literal translation, referred


to as Young’s Literal Translation, and not to be confused with consort Co Young Hee, Young being her given name and Co her family name, renders the verse thusly: “no longer be drinking water, but a little wine be drinking because of thy stomach and of thine often infi rmities.”


Locally owned by Scott MacKinnon of Martinsburg


Selected Prognostic Shorts • The late Marion Barry, for- mer multi-term if not con- secutive-terms mayor of Washington, DC, will be post- humously placed on the 2016 ballot and win by a landslide.


• House of Representatives leader Smokin’ John Boehner (R-OH) will regret his post- mid-term election state- ment about President Barack Obama’s executive action on immigration reform. Boehner’s boner—he prom- ised that “Congress will not sit idle . . . .”—will provoke 2015-long rejoinders


from


reporters: “You mean like for the past six years?”


• Continued apparent human saving of dog turds by hand in plastic bags deposited in special receptacles will cat- i-fy canines. Humans will fall from “best friend” in canine esteem to “unresponsive staff slackers.”


• The WV Department of En- vironmental Protection— motto “We Play Possum for Polluters”—will


adopt the


Journal Junction defi nition of criminal behavior as “demon possession” and will treat all such behavior by private prayer with the perp.


• “Act of Congress” and “House of Representatives” will be


added to the offi cial list of oxymorons. So will the long- overlooked “vacuum clean- er.”


• Bob Dylan will fi nally apolo- gize to non-celebrity poets for having allowed his 1966 novel Tarantula to be re-is- sued in the 1980s as a book of poetry.


• Rocker Bob Seeger (1945–?) will release a sequel to his 1976 “Night Moves” hit with the chorus “Working on our night meds / Trying to keep straight the blues and reds.”


• As payback for otherwise untraceable campaign funds from just fi ve ginormous do- nors, the U.S. Congress will push


for a constitutional


amendment to disband the Supreme Court, so the Court can’t overturn its own Citi- zens United decision. That decision converted a tsunami of illegal alien money into “free” speech.


• Independently, millions of Americans in the network evening news demographic will start to ask themselves: “Why would a couple switch to Cialis for daily use and then keep riding off into the sunset in


matching footed bath claw- tubs? What’s wrong with this picture?”


• The Koch Brothers will fund a leveraged buyout of the Vati-


17


can and oust Pope Francis for alleged crimes against the one percent.


• George Will will contract with the federal government to re-write its Plain Language Guidelines. As credentials, Will will cite his syndicated column in The (Martinsburg) Journal Newspaper, whose opening sentence read: “America’s Newtonian Con- stitution might again func- tion according to Madisonian expectations if a provoked Congress regains its spine and self-respect, thereby re- turning our constitutional architecture to


equipoise.” George Will will, will he not?


• Bumper Sticker of the Year honors once again go to: “I’ll believe corporations are per- sons when Texas executes one.”


• Final no-brainer not involv- ing Mitch McConnell: The 2016 presidential campaign will begin in 2015. Democrats will run against President Obama and Republicans will run with former President Ronald Reagan. Republicans will hope that Americans have forgotten that Reagan brought us more bureaucra- cy, higher defi cits, and the de-regulation that sparked the savings and loan scandal.


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