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JANUARY 2015 2015:


Year of the Sheep, Goat, or Ram Jeff erson County’s Prognosticator of Record describes the political year ahead


Story by Ed Zahniser


There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. —Mark Twain


Going all-out to beef up declining viewership, Fox NotNews (motto:


“Anything


But”) will switch to a three- deep bank of pulsating banners that move across your TV screen with


a coordinated,


rhythmic, vertical blipping motion that looks like military troops marching goose-step. This may be an attempt to attract a younger demographic that thinks the banners are streaming Internet on their ginormous tablet, thus saving outrageous Comcast fees for bundled cable programming that no one wants to—or has time to—watch. Bill O’Reilly will publish yet another book on his


political heroes by painting


the biography of Attila the Hun (?–453) as the saga of economic triumph “effected” by assertive action of the fewer-than-one percent. O’Reilly’s biography will show that limited government best emanates from direct action by psychopathic autocrats not afraid to be politically incorrect or to put boots and hooves on the ground.


Attempting to pump up his aging demographic


via


ratings theft, radio hate-show mouthpiece Rush Limbaugh will try to paint Fox NotNews as a bunch of fl aming liberals—“See, even their liberal-sympathizing on-screen banners look like they’re fl aming now,” Rush will sputter through spewing spittle. Around mid-June, Rush will realize he’s preaching to


the radio choir of listeners while attempting to steal TV viewers. (See below: “Oh yeah, my aunt lives in western Virginia.”)


Surprising New Support for Health Care Act With the general acceptability of the Affordable Care Act (ACA) confi rmed by the positive actions of nine Republican state governors in 2014, Fox NotNews and Rush Limbaugh will become unabashed promoters of the law in 2015. They will even tout the ACA for what it is: the brilliant


Newt Gingrich


health plan that Newt sold to then-Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney to head off a single- payer health insurance system and keep corporate health insurers


in lucrative loop. the lusciously


Neither Fox nor Limbaugh will divulge their motives, but it will have dawned on them that they now desperately need big-government healthcare— to push-out the life spans of their predominant white male viewers, whose retirement programs were cut back and whose health coverage has been all but axed. Fox will trot out its new “Sexy White Male Seniors Workout” show to encourage its prime demographic


to


exercise. A superannuated Fox Trot will replace Line Dancing in that demographic. In a related but reverse move, politicians who advocate limited government—except for their own hugely important elective role in shutting down big government from within the belly of the beast—will spend most of 2015 repenting having stridently demanded that “the federal government must do more to combat the ebola crisis.” They will realize that “big government” and “federal


government”


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have


been synonyms in their six- year litany of desuetude, a word they had to look up before using. Their replacement rallying cry will be “Mea culpa, Mea culpa,” until a conservative postmodern deconstructionist Shepherd University professor will point out that the cry is un- American, because, contrary to former Vice President Dan Quayle, Latin is not an offi cial language anywhere in the Americas.


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DHS Moves to Detroit from Jefferson County With the now apparently persistent


absence of Sen.


Robert Byrd (D-WV), whose death may have been a casualty of the lack of an Affordable Care Act back then, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS)


will fi nally lose its fi scal mojo with Congress. As a result, the brand new university-sized campus lately constructed out of whole cloth and beaucoup big-government dollars along U.S. 340 between Charles Town and Bolivar (pronounced like Oliver), WV, will be privatized to American Public University. The DHS will


moved—partly to appease a new bi-partisan fringe


government coffee-klatchers— to Detroit, MI.


2014


then be political


element of anti-big The


coming-to-light of serial murders in Detroit revealed the immediate availability of vacant buildings. Their total square footage outstrips that of the present real estate holdings of the entire apparatus of the U.S. Congress—and staffs, committees, committee staffs, study groups, and district or state offi ces—an understatedly big, big part of big government. Some political moderates—


several unaware that West Virginia is a state and not part of Virginia, where, BTW their aunt


lives—will frankly be


concerned that jealousy played a role in this abrupt, enforced move of DHS from Civil War country to War of 1812 country. “Not only is this a typical big- government type of action,” one Congressional critic will say of the whispers of the move by speaking through an unpaid offi ce intern, “it’s Big Brother run rampant.” A reporter from the WV Observer asked the intern whether the member of Congress had an aunt who lives in western Virginia. “Yes, awesome,” replied the intern, “How’d you know? Like, awesome, you guys could, um, be like BFF. Um, Gotcha. Awesome.”


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