W
hen I were a lad, there were few things bigger than the Teenage Mutant Hero/Ninja Turtles. I knew their names, I fashioned weapons out of old Hoover pipes and bits of
string and even occasionally wore a bandana. Luckily however, unlike the titular adolescent fighting reptiles, I remembered to put on trousers and not to hang out in the sewer; otherwise this anecdote would either end with me having months of child therapy, or drowning in shit. Happy days.
Speaking of shit – Michael Bay is back. Not content with recently taking a big, smelly one all over the Transformers, he’s sticking it to our childhoods again this month as he tackles the heroes in a half shell, and boy, does he not know how to dial down the desecration.
I’m not going to beat around the bush – this film looks terrible. Granted, it’s a ridiculous concept to begin with; first created as a parody of the ‘grim ‘n gritty’ style of comics that were popular in the early 80s by artists like Frank Miller, this was soon swallowed up like turtle soup and turned into a franchise machine designed to sell merchandise. Well, Christmas is on the way and there’s a
whole new generation of kids that, as yet, don’t know that they can’t exist without a Turtle Power toothbrush – Cashabunga, dudes.
Starring pan-faced, fellow Michael Bay- hater Megan Fox; a girl so hot that she has, apparently, had to have surgery on her face just to stop teenage boys from masturbating to death (safety first, kids), four people including Johnny Knoxville who are too ashamed to show their actual faces and Will Arnett. Tis has none of the wit of the source material, none of the charm of the original movie and all of the insidious commercial value. Verdict: ‘Turtle’ shit. Smiley
To win yourself ten Odeon Norwich cinema tickets to use at your leisure, tell us the name of the sexy female lead in the new Turtles movie…
A Fantastic Mr Fox B Foxy Loxy C Megan Fox
Answers (including your phone number) to
lizz@outlineonline.co.uk by 20th October, subject TURTLES
30 / October 2014/
outlineonline.co.uk
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