2) Community. Recent studies in neuropsychology reveal how shared expression of intense emotions arising during the grieving process promotes better outcomes for the entire community. Everything from talking to crying, dancing to wailing, fasting to feasting, can contribute to healing the shock and trauma of death—especially when done in a communal setting. We are social animals. The human nervous system has evolved to express emotional and instinctual energy with others. It is how we heal, how we grow, and how we are initiated into the mysteries of being human.
3) Willingness to Explore. This can be thought of as the mysterious elixir
that supports profound spiritual transformation
in the dying process (or, for that matter, in any spiritual pursuit). It begins with welcoming the many-layered and surprising emotions that run through the human heart. It can be confusing, even upsetting, when individuals experience paradoxical or seemingly inappropriate feelings. We have seen countless individuals in the dying process spontaneously erupt in laughter, joy, anger, murderous hatred… virtually every emotion, including rapturous ecstasy. If these natural expressions of the human soul are met with shame, criticism or even simply ignored, a precious opportunity will have been lost. We do not believe it is possible to have an “inappropriate” feeling in the grieving process. Openness allows the courage of the heart to leap forth in unexpected ways—especially at desperate times when it is needed most.
Intimacy and Death At a very basic level, death brings an unexpected intimacy. In our workshops, we explore the mysterious edge between intimacy and the grief that arises from death. At first, the deep connection between intimacy and death might seem paradoxical because our so-called logical brains assume that the loss of a loved one means the end of intimacy. In some ways, this is true: the touch of living flesh animated by human consciousness is no longer possible.
But does that mean the relationship is over? Or is it the beginning of new possibilities of relating? Different spiritual traditions offer a wide variety of ways to understand this. All have a contribution to this understanding, so we believe it is impossible to give any definitive or universal answer. Each relationship is utterly unique. Our interest is in helping
create the conditions where each person can explore the possibilities for relating at the thresholds of life and death for themselves. There is no other way to integrate death into our consciousness but to find out for ourselves, directly from our own experience. But we begin from this basic premise: Within the powerful blend of emotions, sensations and perceptions we experience in the throes of grief, there is an equally powerful sense of intimacy. In fact, this intimacy can be so intense, at times so annihilatingly, blissfully beautiful, that we might mistakenly mislabel it as unbearable pain. We recognize that this might not be the case in every relationship entering this threshold between life and death. But where there is a depth of love, respect and devotion, there is usually an intense intimacy hovering within our hearts. It has been our privilege for many years to help individuals and groups enhance their capacities to embrace this intimacy—through sorrow and anger and laughter, dancing and meditating, and simply through telling our story as these feelings wash over us. We have seen, in so many grief-stricken faces, this divine intimacy washed clean by the purest of tears.
Embrace
This much we do know: The very act of embracing this mystery is what allows us to move forward. Every time you find the courage to take even the tiniest step, to reach out for help, to love someone with all your heart, to fall to your knees in prayer, to take a single breath into your broken heart…you embrace this mystery.
Nancee Sobonya is a Grief Counselor/Educator, producer of The Gifts of Grief and a teacher of the Ridhwan School of Spiritual Development. She has been working in the field of death and bereavement for 27 years. Ted Usatynski is the author of Instinctual Intelligence and a consultant/educator dedicated to understanding and enhancing nervous system performance. He is a teacher-in-training in the Ridhwan School of Spiritual Development and a Buddhist scholar/practitioner for over 20 years. Together, they are presenting a 3-day workshop, from February 20-23, 2014, at Guest House Retreat & Conference Center titled Embrace the Mystery: Grief, Loss and the Thresholds of Consciousness. Go to
www.embracemystery.org for more information. To register, visit
www.guesthousecenter.org and click on “Programs” or call us at (860) 322-5770. Our mission is “to create opportunities for transformational work and provide a nurturing environment for those seeking to develop human potential and enrich the world.” Guest House is located in Chester, CT.
December 2013 – February 2014 13
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