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TEEN DRAMA QUEENS


Keeping the Mother-Daughter Bond Strong


by Meredith Montgomery


back equally because their minds have not yet fully matured. “That’s how teens learn to return to a calm place, by seeing our mom remain steady through our storms,” Eliza observes.


Powerful Role Models Northrup believes that a daughter’s peers play a large role in her success- fully navigating the teen years, but emphasizes that, “A mother’s influence wins. Be consistent in your loving and clear about rules and boundaries, while encouraging a sense of their own worth and autonomy.” Teenagers are anxious to grow up


F


or many, the strong mother- daughter bond seems to suddenly unravel when adolescence ap-


pears. “Parenting is exasperating and wears you out,” sighs Heather Thomas, of Houston, Texas, a mother of three, including 16-year-old Mary Meghan. Mothers can gain some comfort in the biological reasons for the onset of emotionally charged arguments and repeated curfew violations. It begins with changes in the brain caused by an increase in the hormones that stimu- late girls’ ovaries, and by age 10 or 11, the hormones become elevated to levels comparable to those of post- menopausal women. Dr. Christiane Northrup, author


of Mother-Daughter Wisdom, points out that in addition to experiencing mood swings and temperature changes similar to those of menopausal women, girls’ rising estrogen, unbalanced by progesterone, may likewise produce brain irritability. “It’s no wonder girls are both cuddling with and screaming at you in the same day,” she points out. Nurse Practitioner Sil Reynolds,


who co-authored Mothering & Daugh- tering with her daughter Eliza, gently reminds mothers, “The mother-adoles-


26 San Diego Edition


cent daughter relationship is asym- metrical. Mothers are responsible for being the adult in the relationship as their daughters grow up. Understand- ing this can be a relief to both of you.” Part of the responsibility of being an adult is to provide a safe psycho- logical and emotional environment for children without taking things person- ally. The frontal cortex responsible for making decisions is still developing in the adolescent brain. Weathering mood swings and reactive outbursts, mothers can learn to remain steady, understand- ing that teens are not capable of giving


and do their own thing, but until they have internalized safe and reasonable boundaries, they need someone else to establish them. Northrup reports how teen clients that were given too much freedom… “come in aching for boundaries and feel that their parents don’t care about them. It is the parents’ job to create healthy, though not rigid, boundaries.”


What has worked for Heather is to casually join Mary Meghan in her room with an intention to be present and actively listen to her. “I say some- thing simple like, ‘I have missed you,’ and then allow her to open up to me without being critical or judgmental,” she explains. “Sometimes we listen to music or look at outfits in magazines together.”


“Girls know when you’re pay- ing attention, and your tone and body language speak louder than words,” confirms Eliza. She also notes that,


Key Family Communication Tools


Avoid the use of absolutes (never, always, everyone, forever) because they leave no room for differing opinions or shared responsibility for problems. For exam- ple, replace “always” with “often,” or “everyone” with “a lot of people.” Soften statements by turning heated one-liners into “I” statements. Say, “I


feel like you don’t call when you say you will,” rather than, “You never call when you say you will.”


Instead of open-ended questions, try a three-word check-in. Both mother and daughter share three words that describe their current emotional state honestly and authentically. Take turns sharing. There is no need to explain why these words were chosen, but it can give both parties a better glimpse into each other’s current state of heart and mind.


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