BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 IT’S NATIONAL BIRD-FEEDING MONTH!! Before you get too excited and start chucking your seed about the place please spare a thought for your neighbours. Tey still haven’t recovered from last year’s month of curtain-twitchingtelescope-armed pervery. No wonder you haven’t seen any Great Tits for a while - Yellow Tits yes, but that’s why the neighbours are pissed off. Lucky day: February 26th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Quid pro quo, vis-à-vis, café con leche?! Tose evening sessions at a German Language class clearly aren’t working for you so you opt to kidnap Heidi Klum for some extra guidance which also gives you the opportunity to tearfully grill her on why she and Seal split up?! She teaches you feck all other than “Ba-iy-ah ba dup ba-da da da..….ba-iy- ah…”, crazy bitch! Lucky day: February 27th
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 According to the Daily Mail, wearing the wrong shoes can give you cancer and plastic surgery is strongly linked to funding al-Qaeda. After a back-alley rhinoplasty to beautify your schnozz leaves you looking like a manatee, your outlook may look somewhat patchy but fear not, the mishap paves the way for a brand new career; Barry Manilow impersonation. Lucky day: February 16th
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 You’ve had a rubbish few months and you’re well and truly tired of nobheads excitably telling you how “high on life” they are! Tell them you’re high on Dulcolax and ready to shit all over their hopes and dreams if they don’t leave you
alone.Lucky day: February 3rd
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 A family game of Scrabble descends into anarchy when you try to claim that ‘vadge’ is acknowledged by Collins and his big book of letter lumps. Consultation of the boffin’s bible does not go your way. Soon punches are thrown and a night in the cells awaits… Lucky day: February 12th
10 /February 2013/
outlineonline.co.uk
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 Tis month your campaign against Tesco cranks up a notch, thanks to an X-factor-esque sob-story about how you’re “Jewish” and that the “pork” in your “burger” was a “mistake”, you manage to get God onside. Well if that was a decent coup wait till Frankie Dettori gets involved; the little dude’s got serious beef…well, mostly beef. Lucky day: February 22nd
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 One forceful fumble too many scared away your previous love interest, so this month, with a new beau in tow, you are keen to take your time…ish. Tankfully frottage is permitted so you can indulge in the occasional dry- hump, yay! Unfortunately the build up of friction from the vociferous outercourse leads to a house fire - ain’t nobody got time for dat! Lucky day: February 25th
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 Your approach to Valentines Day is akin to that of Michael Bay’s directing style; nothing is worth saying unless it involves gratuitous explosions. Strapping C4 to your nipples is certainly one way to get the attention of Gatwick’s sexy airport staff, but it seems airport security respond the best to your advances, pinning you down and most eager to give you a cavity search. Success!.Lucky day: February 14th
LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 A cursory glance at an internet ad suggesting you can ‘Get ripped in four weeks’ is misinterpreted by your dyslexic brain as ‘Get pissed in four weeks’. Now that’s your kind of
challenge! Stock up on enough Strongbow and episodes of 24 to fill the time because you won’t want to sober up in time to see your house being repossessed. Lucky day: February 1st
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 If, like the adverts profess, Subway is where winners eat, there is something seriously wrong with the world’s rewards scheme. On this basis Costa must be where losers tweet, and sure enough trying to stretch your hectic daily antics into 140 characters is quite a challenge; ‘2day i saw a attractiff baristaa n got a well massiff noze bleed’.Lucky day: February 19th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Being an avid collector of memorabilia from the 1920s, fixated on Al Capone and having seen Bugsy Malone at least twice on VHS, you decide to commemorate one of the most notorious conflicts of the era with an excellently retarded idea… Valentine’s Day Mascara, for all your gang-based shenanigans – “Look good in the ‘hood” Lucky day: February 15th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Getting your tongue stuck to five too many icicles has left you fed up with the cold and you’re praying that furry little bastard in Punxsutawney emerges from its hole to signal a much safer, sunnier stint for you. Don’t get complacent! Gentle spring breezes will cause Norwich to come to a stand still and slow blooming flowers could lead to the closure of Grapes
Hill.Lucky day: February 2nd
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