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Courting Marriage Success Relationship Expert Stephanie Coontz Shares Go-To Guidelines by S. Alison Chabonais
S
tephanie Coontz, pro- fessor of history and family studies at The
Evergreen State College, in Olympia, Washington, shares her learned per- spective in an intriguing oeuvre of books—Mar- riage, A History: How Love Conquered Mar- riage; The Way We Never Were; The Way We Really Are; and A Strange Stir- ring. She’s also co-chair
and director of public education at the University of Miami’s research-based nonprofit Council on Contemporary Families. As a speaker, she shares good news on marriage, based on her exten- sive study and observations.
Is marriage becoming passé? While marriage as an institution is less powerful than it used to be, people have higher expectations of marriage as a relationship. Precisely because most Americans no longer feel they have to marry, they are more specific about what they want from it. When a marital relationship works today, it is fairer, more intimate, more mutually beneficial and less prone to violence than ever before. Yet, individuals are less willing to stay in a relationship that doesn’t confer these benefits.
Which qualities do people most desire in a mate today? The old model of married love held that opposites attract. Men wanted mates that were pliable and nurturing; women wanted men that were ambi- tious, powerful and protective. The new model is based on similarities of inter- ests and talents. While some women are still attracted to men that are richer,
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taller, more powerful and slightly scary, and some men still want an admir- ing, yielding woman, the trend favors valuing more individualized traits. In a reversal from
40 years ago, men are much less interested in a partner’s cooking and housekeeping than in her intelligence, humor and accomplishments. Women value a mate that
shares household chores more than one that is a high earner. (See more results of a Pew Research Center survey at
Tinyurl.com/PewTrends.)
What guidelines foster a rewarding marriage? Be truly interested in your partner’s ideas and activities; take pride in their achievements; use endearments or offer tactile affection without being asked; have a sense of humor about differ- ences; and never let irritation or anger slide into contempt.
How can small, daily interac- tions contribute to intimacy? We all have moments when we are ir- ritated, angry or emotionally or intellec- tually unresponsive. A mate will toler- ate these as long as he or she trusts you to be loving and attentive most of the time. It’s an emotional line of credit— each partner needs to keep replenish- ing the reserves of trust and good will, rather than drawing them down. Psychologist and researcher John
Gottman, Ph.D., suggests people need about five positive interactions for every negative one in an intimate relationship. It’s less the occasional over-the-top ges- ture and more the regular, small deposits
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