BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 With the peroxide hair and trigger happy PIN finger you had all the hallmarks of a potential WAG and, eager to see if you had what it takes, decided to sit through the recent England friendly against Norway. Te 90 minute reserve match, and post- match Hodgson interview, caused you to smoke a lot ofpot and start popping Valium like they’re skittles; trust me June is gonna be like, sooo much better. Lucky day: June 15th
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 No sooner has the sun come out than you wheel out your century old Barbeque ready to unleash its smoky deliciousness on your friends and family. What you lack in man skills you make up for in enthusiasm and with the amount of paraffin you sling on the old beast cooking times are reduced to mere seconds. Boom. Lucky day: June 22nd
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 YAY QUEEN! You spend the first days of June stocking up for your street party but unfortunately a typo on one of your banners leads to widespread confusion and threatens to scupper your plans. Luckily your “Diamond Jublee Party” is a huge hit and sees many a simple royalist turn up with bejeweled boobs and delectable drill bits decorated with diamantés. Mmm, shiny. Lucky day: June 3rd
LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 Looking like Ed Milliband and having a black book the size of Russell Brand just doesn’t add up. Recently however you’re experiencing a barren spell; it’s been almost a week since you’ve had
10 /June 2012/
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Aww Englebert got royally Humperdincked by a Swedish Claudia Winkleman, Russia’s Pussycat Trolls and the amazingly named Roman Lob aka Tuscan Wood aka Sicilian Chubb aka Milanese Stiff. On a brighter note your compendium of nob gags is coming along nicely. Lucky day: June 30th
any action and you’re twitchier than ever. Fortunately it’s currently National Tourettes Syndrome Awareness Month so you may get some sympathy sex!Lucky day: June 13th
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 Be warned the impending breakdown of your relationship; “it’s not you, it’s the other person I’m having a go on”. Sure you’ll accept it and respond in a graceful manner by smashing the place up but after the anger has subsided you’ll begin shivering and hyperventilating, just as any well-adjusted human being would do. Chill out…you’d only been going out a
week.Lucky day: June 27th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Whether it’s post-modern, post- anarchism or post-positivism, you’re a big fan of new shit on the block. However, contrary to what you’ve been telling everyone this month, post-hummous is not an innovative chickpea-based spread. (And that children, is a poor dip-based pun.) . Lucky day: June 21st
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Festival season looms large but after all the fungal infections you brought home last year this time you pack every cleaning product known to humankind. As the adage goes; a bleach bath a day keeps the herpes away. Lucky day: June 10th
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Congratulations! After finally deciding to grow a pair you tentatively manage to ask the
person you’ve been mind-humping for ages out for a date. Ok stinky tits, now you need to reacquaint yourself with your undercarriage before your muse gets to third base, it’s seen less action recently than Vin Diesel and you may have to politely ask its tenants to relocate. Lucky day: June 29th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Inspired by the Kindle touch you sprint into action and patent your new invention that promises to get people closer to the works of Shakespeare et al, a selection of curious papyrus-based tomes known as “books”. I don’t think the fiddly contraptions are likely to catch on. Lucky day: June 7th
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 You’re of the belief that PPI insurance adverts (along with Eastenders) are ruining TV and, determined to put an end to them. Tis month you aim to hunt down anyone that’s taken out a loan and shoot them in the face. Obviously such an undertaking costs quite a bit of moolah so you’re forced to take out a loan and, well…you see where this is going. Lucky day: June 11th
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Ooh darling!! Failing to crack Hollywood has led you to reassessing your career choice. Fear not Taurus, thanks to a bit part you have in ‘Peppa Pig’s Treasure Hunt’ at the Teatre Royal this month, it’ll see you go all luvvie, hugging anything that moves and kissing more cheeks than our old friend Piers Morgan. Lucky day: June 21st
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