askthetherapist
A Woman Betrayed Q:
in and repressing, probably over a period of time. The idea of any guilty party is ‘if I can get you to question yourself, then you won’t question me, and I can have the best of both worlds.’ This lack of conscience and/or consciousness usually sends one’s world crashing down; and it should. There is no way for a marriage to grow when one person is clearly not committed or mature enough with all the selfishness and distraction to lay a sturdy foundation. This behavior is very difficult to pinpoint at the time you are going through it. Be careful; many men and women living through this experience try to blame themselves. Wouldn’t this be convenient for your husband? However, you have lessons to learn, and now is the time to connect with yourself. You cannot take on what is his character flaw. Any person who leaves a long-term marriage in this manner, who chooses not to face themselves or the problems of the relationship, will not make a very good long-term partner. Unfaithfulness can also be a pattern due to a lack of coping skills in oneself and perhaps also witnessed in his or her family of origin. These persons are not usually adept at problem-solving in general.
A:
Dear Karol, The behavior you are describing stems most likely from the guilt that your husband has been holding
Dear Karen Kaye, My 14-year marriage ended quite abruptly when my husband began picking fights with me and stopped committing to most of the family responsibilities and activities. He moved out and was very angry at me; then I came to find that he was having an affair. Please help me deal with this.
Thanks, Karol
Whether or not your marriage continues is not your main focus.
Your focus needs to be on grounding yourself (and your family if you have one) and not running after your husband. When a person is rejected, the kneejerk response is to seek love, acceptance, and commitment from someone who is very weak and confused, hop- ing this betrayal will not happen again. This is not a time to make decisions. Come out of the chaos and then evaluate the situation and this person with a trained professional. The marriages that do make it through this “life-changing
event” are the ones where the person (who has had the affair) comes clean completely, owning their past, blaming no one, and wanting very much to change. Even once the truth is fully revealed (which takes a long period of time), it takes a long-term commit- ment to change (from both partners). Remember, you can only own your part and where you provided the opportunity, not what he did with it (which is his decision alone).
All the best, Karen Kaye, L.M.H.C.
Karen Kaye has been in private practice for 27 years. If you would like to speak with her directly about this or any other topic, call 954.384.1217. See ad page 57.
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