THE LEGEND OF THE LOST LIBIDO
by Joan E. Childs, LCSW E
veryone knows that over time, rela- tionships shift – sometimes for the bet- ter, sometimes for the worse. This will
depend on how you tend to it. Relation- ships are like gardens. They need nurtur- ing, weeding and care if we want them to grow, blossom and maintain their beauty. The time you give to your garden is no dif- ferent than the time and care you give to your relationship. Communication in our relationships is as paramount as water to a garden. It is essential for survival. In the beginning of all relationships,
everyone puts their best foot forward. When we enter the first stage, commonly known as the “falling in love” stage, all our boundaries collapse; we can’t wait to see each other and our sexual appetite
is perennially aroused. But then comes the next phase, when the newness wears off, and we get comfortable. This is when our authentic self emerges. However, our survival self makes a grand entrance when we have a conflict. This concludes the honeymoon stage. Usually, the first things that begin
to evaporate are the barrage of multiple daily phone calls, the ‘I love yous’ along with our sexual desire. What follows is usually a shift in the show of affec- tion – those tender moments that were cherished from the beginning, his arm around your shoulder, hand holding and good night kisses once a ritual, now begin to fade. It is replaced with discovering the deficits in our partner that were not
visible in the first stage. Finding fault with each other is the first level of pollution to enter the relational space in which the couple lives; faults that were not evident in the first stage. Even if they were, we were not willing to see or acknowledge them. It’s a strange phenomenon, but once we get between the sheets, we project what we want to see on each other – not necessarily what is there. These projections are often the cause of disappointment, disillusion and bitterness. What is worse is that most people avoid communicating their feelings, fearful that being honest may upset the homeostasis of the relationship. The unconscious or conscious fear is that if I express my anger or hurt him/her, my partner might end the relationship. This is not true. The truth is that avoidance is worse. Avoidance brews “the collecting of stamps”, and one day, the energy that gets lodged, breaks loose and bites you in the ass. We tend to act out what we don’t
communicate. Acting out is taking a feel- ing and translating it into a behavior. Our feelings are energy: e- motions – energy in motion. Stuffing them only makes them stronger until our container can no longer contain them. So what happens is they come out the side, worse than if we spoke our truth from the get-go. Our insecurities rule our behavior and cause us to make poor choices.
One of the first things to lose its lus- ter is our sexuality. When we are hurt or angry, we simply lose our sexual interest. Effective communication is crucial. It will always make things better. However, most folks don’t know how to communi- cate effectively. They never had healthy models of behavior to learn from. Here
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