is a simple and effective communication model that will help convert fighting into a healthy disagreement; it’s called The Change Model. If used correctly, it will avoid triggering your partner into a knee jerk response that so often acceler- ates into a fight that takes off into every direction except your original intent. It’s simple, self responsible, using “I” mes- sages that avoid the pain and discomfort that usually come from disagreements. Here is what it looks like: When I hear/see (disturbing words or behaviors we notice from our partner) Our perceptions
I feel angry, hurt, disappointed, sad, etc. Our feelings
What I imagined, thought, fantasized, etc. Our interpretation
What I need Our needs
Can we agree? Contract
When we use words like ‘you’,
‘never’, ‘always’, (examples: You made me angry. You never consider my feelings. You are always late.), that becomes an invita- tion for a fight. When we use “I” messages (self responsible statements), it engages our partner into listening without becom- ing defensive. This allows us to be heard and understood. Our partners will not get defensive if we own our perceptions, feel- ings, interpretations and needs. Conflict resolution is the result. Martin Buber, the Jewish philoso-
pher, said that human beings are wired for connection. If we disconnect, we go into crisis. It’s only in a relation- ship that we can know who we really are. Neurobiology notes that we need another brain to resonate with our own. The brain is the only organ in our body that does not regulate itself from within. It needs another brain to do so. Buber states, “Our relationships live in the space between us which is sacred.” He also says, “The meaning is to be found neither in one of the two partners nor in both together, but in their dialogue itself, in this ‘between’ which they live together.”
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natural awakenings May 2012 29
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