FEATURES
Loving Difficult Parents Finding Joy in the Present
By Tanya Stewart, Esq.
We all know we should stay focused on the present. We all know the past is where guilt grows and the future is where worry waits. The present is for peace. But HOW do we get there? No matter what you know, you don’t feel joy when your parents reject you because of your beliefs, your choices or mistakes. You still seem to end up in the same arguments you’ve had for years. They still make you feel like a 10 year old, desperately trying to win their approval.
This is never more true, than if you have a sibling that is loved and adored no matter what they do. Financial writers have analyzed the habits of millionaires and how they parent their children. They found the rich paid more attention and gave more resources to the chil- dren most likely to fail! They doted on and rescued the “black sheep” of the family constantly. This meant they paid less attention to siblings who were not making a mess of their lives. This pattern is true of rich and poor alike in my observation and is responsible for a great deal of stress.
No matter why or how your family is hurting you, you can feel good and happy about your life right now. Here are the 3 critical anchor beliefs that will get you there:
1. Accept that Spiritual Growth brings Rejection that’s good for you. The more you grow, the better you get and the fewer people are compatible with your spirituality, outlook and general vibration. It is the law that like attracts like. Well, that also means things that are NOT alike, tend to repel. If your family does not believe in or have an interest in their personal spiritual growth, in essence they are stagnant. You are moving water, healthy and healing. Your family is composed of a collection of independent souls who all have their own journey and their own timing. Their ability or choice to embrace you for who and where you are may not be developed yet. We are called not to judge. I use the analogy of 4th graders and 8th graders. 8th graders do not like to play with 4th graders. 8th graders aren’t better, they are just further along in the process. Look at your family like those 4th graders. The rejection is mutual and good for you. You are not to be held back and they are not to be pushed beyond their present chosen capacities.
2. Recognize Their Need Based/Unhealthy Love Love is meant to be unconditional, but very few of us experience love that is given freely without require- ment or need. Almost all “love” is needy, which makes it unhealthy. If you look at your family of 4th graders, you’ll quickly see that they love those who enable them to feel like a Hero/Martyr/Victim/Savior. If you have your life in some kind of balance, where they are not needed, not the center of your universe, they don’t feel 14
loved BY you. Why? Because you are not giving them the emotional currency they seek-to be needed. They equate need with love. Since you don’t need them, you don’t love them. So, they don’t love you. They love the out of control sibling. They love the addict. They love the abusive partner or relationship. They love the dead end job. They love their drama. If you aren’t constantly feeding their habit, their “love” for you is weakened. Recognize that this is NOT a judgment of you. Because you strive to be healthy, you don’t supply the external rush their self-esteem depends on. This is not your fault. Once you accept that you will never meet these damaged expectations (thank goodness!) you will release yourself of the desire for their “love” and approval at this high cost.
3. Resist nothing-All is well One of the harder beliefs is to resist nothing. Everything that is happening is for a reason you may or may not see yet. Know that the challenge from your difficult family is purposeful. Nothing is wasted. If you get the lesson, you will get to peace faster. If you mother loves your brother, lends him money she doesn’t have and watches all of his out of control children but won’t make time for you and your husband-it truly is JUST FINE. In March, Part 2 we talked about releasing expectations. This truly won’t bother you once you master letting go expecting her to do any different. That is your lesson. Spend the next 7 days saying YES to everything that happens in your day. Resist nothing, especially not any- thing that “looks” negative. This is excellent practice on this critical spiritual lesson that is foundation of the Law of Detachment. Happily, I am teaching a workshop on the Law of Detachment at the Alive Expo April 28-29 that covers this in detail.
You can feel joy in your present once you recognize that you don’t need, won’t get and eventually don’t seek the approval/love of those further back on the spiritual path. These spiritual 4th graders base their love on neediness and drama so they feel important. Let it all be just as it is and you’ll find you feel more joy being where YOU are when you aren’t constantly looking over your shoulder for someone else.
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Oracle 20/20 April 2012
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