FEELING BAD ABOUT DOING GOOD
by Jodie Baker
finally realised that top-down power politics were not for me. I found myself at the end of a degree with no place to go. After much reflection and introspection I narrowed in on my impulse to see the world, understand it, and support action that ignites evolution for the fulfillment of potential. My curiosity led me to study International Relations. My ideas about international development were broad and hard to define before I started my post- grad studies. And honestly, not much has changed.
I
Choosing to work in the field of development is a sometimes-difficult choice and yet the easiest one to make for those so inclined. In the end, the decision was easy for me, because of the singular reason that I am compelled to foster growth and the fulfillment of potential within myself and others. Development work requires a passion and consistency rooted in realism and some very tough skin. It must always be rooted in realism because when working on the ground, in the field, living, breathing a particular context, we need to view and represent things as they actually are. And we need tough skin, and will grow some irregardless, when we face the multitude of opinions, criticisms, challenges, highs and lows, that are inherent when working in International Development. I learned this recently as I experienced a cycle of contradictions, inner turmoil, rationalization and frank disdain both intrinsically and extrinsically while trying to pursue a career in International Development. This cycle seems eerily familiar to the history of aid. In A White Man’s Burden William Easterly outlines the cycle of aid: idealism, high expectations, disappointing results and cynical backlash. I have been confused by the general reaction of people regarding aid and development when
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was always curious about the world. Why it functions the way it does, why abundance and disparity exist, its causes and the history of people, culture, time and place. After I finished my undergraduate degree, I
I tell them about my career path. People have a range of reactions including: “stop wasting our tax dollars,” “you are anti-capitalist,” “leave people alone and let them solve their own problems,” “you are making money off of the suffering of others”. I tried to explain the multifaceted social, political, institutional, historical and technological aspects of poverty to no avail. But I soon realized the same reactionism was occurring within myself over the same issues. I have spent hours toiling over whether or not I can ‘do good,’ what that means anyway, and why I am feeling bad about doing good in the first place. Why do I feel so bad? On my recent internship in India
I was perfectly placed to experience colonial hangovers at every turn. I wrestled with Western guilt the entire
“I am really feeling bad because there are no easy answers in development.”
time. What was I doing there in the first place? What can I contribute that others are not already doing? The particular sense of Western guilt I experienced boiled down to the idea of privilege. I felt bad about being privileged, because it has become a bad word, and for some very good reasons. However, privilege has several connotations, from freedom to opportunity. Isn’t development about fostering freedom and opportunity to do just that, develop? The executive director of the NGO where I interned was quite clear about just what it meant for me to working with them. I provided a very specific set of skills and expertise that were formed by the particular context and privilege that I grew up with. This skill set
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