BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
(disgusting I know!!)
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 Your fashion sense transcends all socially accepted boundaries and earned you the Native American nickname ‘Fleeces with Wolves’. Help is at hand this month in the form of Gok Wan, yes he’ll try to get you naked and tell you that your seven nipples are beautiful but punch him enough times in the face and the satisfaction of obliterating his deluded sense of self-righteousness will clothe you
forever.Lucky day: July 15th
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 Britain’s Got Talent may have finished but you are already in training for next year’s freak fest. Not too sure your bell-ringing antics will go down too well with Queenie but at least she’s not going to be sat in any front row seats. You mucky
bugger.Lucky day: July 31st
VIRGOAug 24 - Sep 23 Hmm a peculiar celestial alignment suggests a new arrival is imminent in your life. Tat’s right, your bastard offspring is about to about to drop out of your dilapidated dong dumpster. As you were too fat and stupid to realise you were pregnant I’m guessing you are also too promiscuous to know who the daddy is. Lucky day: July 2nd
LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 Unlucky kiddo your new occupation makes you want to shit through your eyeballs and you spend the rest of your time typing away on your smartphone in ‘la la’ land under various pseudonyms. As a result your social skills have abandoned you and you will be left with no real friends. For gritty_lips69’s sake use your words! Tw@. Lucky day: July 20th
SCORPIOOct 24 - Nov 22 Congratulations, you finally had the courage to ask out the person you’ve been mind-humping for ages. Right, now you need to reacquaint yourself with your undercarriage before they get to third base; it’s seen less action recently than Wesley Snipes and you may have to politely ask its tenants to
relocate.Lucky day: July 30th
10 /July 2011/
outlineonline.co.uk
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Ah, it’s good to see most of your hair has grown back but it seems your body hates you as much as the rest of us and this month you’ll be afflicted by genital dandruff. Your undercrackers are going to resemble scenes from, ironically, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. Fret not I hear Proctor & Gamble are lining up an ad campaign fronted by Lady Gaga for their new shampoo range Minge & Boulders. Lucky day: July 17th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Aw the next four weeks are going to be special for you as you gain ‘big person’ status. No more will your mum have to breast feed you, wipe your bottom and spit on your face to get the bits of crust off…seriously that was weird thirty years ago. Lucky day: July 8th
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Unluckily you are soon to be struck down with the troublesome disease ‘Bellenditus’. Calm down it’s not an uncommon illness and is in fact the same condition that has plagued Piers Morgan, Justin Bieber and Bono. Its symptoms range from general smugness to wanton wankerishness but thankfully the ailment can be treated with a shotgun to the face. Lucky day: July 23rd
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Ok warty, while you may not be aware of St Vitalis of Assisi your impending pilgrimage to Newquay means you will soon rival him for the title of patron saint of sicknesses affecting the genitals. How many
more times do you need to be told to slap on a cock sock before you traipse the tunnel o’ love?! Lucky day: July 4th
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 Danger seems to follow you around Aries and this month is no different. Steer clear when Big Dave suggests a friendly game of Sticky Biscuit, one participant that is particularly eager not to lose will proceed to cronk their nodger too vigorously…Jammie Dodger anyone?? Lucky day: July 7th
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Waa waa waa. Dr Tomas Szasz asserted that ‘if you talk to God, you are praying, if God talks to you, you are schizophrenic’ but the way you forcefully bang on about God to any poor unfortunate soul that gets stuck in your company is just fucking annoying. At least the commandments were concise. Oh and before you start proclaiming that we’re all going to hell most of us have already been. Up yours Primark. Lucky day: July 27th
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 A mishap at the hairdressers leaves you with a rather undesirable barnet, but before you choose to ignore it pay heed to the words of the great philosopher Notorious B.I.G; “Mo’ mullet mo’ problems”. Before long your mane will attract unwanted attention with yokels challenging you to spit-offs and baby-making contests. Act now before offers to appear on Jeremy Kyle flood in. Lucky day: June 13th
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