THE WEIRS TIMES, Thursday, April 8, 2010
A
brendan@weirs.com
inNEW HAMP SHI R E
HEALTH CARE CHANGES
FOOL
*
Live Free
*A FLATLANDER’S OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
or Die.
by Brendan Smith
Assistant Editor
It’s been a long, ugly
battle over the health care bill. In the end the team
that had the most players won. Now that all the hoopla
has died, for now, it really is a good time to lean back and take a look at what, exactly, is in this gigantic bill. I did try to read the thing.
After a few days I got a bit dizzy, so I just skimmed the rest. It’s truly amazing how our legislators read the darn thing in only a few hours. I’m not even sure how some of them found the time to count their bribe money. The health care bill is,
like most bills that come out of Washington, a lot of gobbeldy-goop and mum- bo-jumbo that just needs to be broken down into simple language. So, I have taken it upon myself to point out to you a few of the things con- tained in the bill that you might not realize were even in it. Some of the things may have trau- matic influences on your life. So pay attention. These are some of the
changes you may not know about.
1) All doctors will now
be required to make sure that their stethoscopes are at a temperature of 72 degrees or above before touching them to any part of a patient’s body.
2) All doctor’s waiting
rooms will now be required to have no magazine that is older than six months. Also a variety of subjects must be included in avail- able reading material so as not to put patients in the position of having to read anything that might not interest them. Also, all waiting rooms will be required, by law, to have Barack Obama’s “Audaci- ty of Hope” available upon request.
3) All walk-in care pa-
tients will now be given an approximate “waiting time” before being seen by a doctor. Every minute that goes over this “wait- ing time” will credit each patient a certain amount of points which can be used in the hospital gift shop.
4) Every Thursday, all prescription drugs which end in the suffix “cillin” will be 20 percent off.
5) When a doctor is stuck between a few dif-
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ferent diagnosis based on symptoms, he will (or she will just so I don’t get letters), spin the big diagnosis wheel and will treat the patient based on where it lands. It will save lots of time, money and guesswork.
6) In order to get more doctors quickly into circu- lation, to make up for the many that will be quitting because of this bill, the popular game “Operation” will be used to qualify one for a medical degree. Still, the level of difficulty has been raised in the final draft of the bill. One must remove all of the body parts three times without setting off the buzzer. (The first draft of the bill had it at only twice.)
7) To cut back on the number of people visit- ing doctors and walk-in- care, the official safe body temperature level will be raised from 98.6 to 99.8.
8) The Do-It-Yourself-
Have-Your-Baby-At- Home kit will be mass-produced and marketed with clever commercials produced by infomercial guru, Ron Popeil. Of course, if you order right now, you can get the Ginsu scalpels.
9) A new TV series called
“America Is Ill” will be pro- duced by the government. People with life-threaten- ing diseases will tell of their woes in front of a celebrity panel and studio audience. After weeks of eliminations finalists will be given a life-or-death sentence based on the judges’s recommenda- tions and a call-in vote from around the country.
I could go on and on
with some of these new changes coming about with this health bill. The list is pretty long. It would take me a whole page just
Brendan Smith wel-
brendan@weirs.com.
5
to explain the Buy One- Get One Free hip replace- ment specials. Anyway, I hope this
might encourage you to pick up this bill yourself and read through it. Be careful though, there
is a disclaimer in the front that states the govern- ment cannot be respon- sible for any hernias or other physical injuries incurred from just lifting the damn thing.
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