RESOURCES horoscopes
by vera divine
regal mane? It might seem as though your fellow Leo
CaPrICOrn December 23 – january 20
Matt LeBlanc will always be “Joey” no matter what he
Look at you...the busy little beaver, buying and hoarding things that have
does. But don’t underestimate a guy who was once
a longer shelf life than you do, just so you’ll be prepared for a rainy day. Tell
known merely as “that guy in the 1991 Alanis Moris-
me something, Capricorn. Why does all of your “just in case” stuff always end
sette video.”
up “just collecting dust?” Two words: yard sale. I know what you’re thinking.
“But I’ll be selling my memories!” Listen to me. The best thing about memo-
VIRGO August 24 – September 23
ries is making them! Rummaging through nostalgic dust piles year’s later
Aches and pains, creaks and cramps. Whoever
only reminds us that we wasted away our youths wearing blue eye shadow!
said that life begins at 50 must have had a few extra
Now…a younger Denzel Washington, on the other hand, is a Capricorn
cans of WD-40 on hand. If you’ve noticed that certain
who I have no problem remembering fondly...or fondling freely!
things don’t seem to be working right—particularly
in the bedroom—don’t jump the gun and blame it
on your age! Stress can play cruel, cruel jokes on our
AQUARIUS January 21 – February 19 stantly breathing down your neck? Are you forced most vulnerable components. Fortunately for you,
It may just be the gin talking, but I feel a makeover into menial labor under a virtual slave driver? If so, it’s easier to treat than a broken hip. Finding release
coming! Aww, what’s wrong? Not in the mood? Well give me your card! I’ve always wanted to be a domi- in this age of electronic distraction should be easy
suck it up, sister! Saint Valentine is lurching his way natrix! But seriously, don’t you think it’s time that enough for you crazy kids and your damn rock ‘n roll.
into town and that faux-hawk of yours is screaming to your inner passion and labor served your purposes Of course, malnourishment isn’t quite the quick fix.
be put back out of style! You have one whole month for a change...and your bank account? Your true Sorry, Nicole Richie.
before it’s too late. Until then, make some honest calling is around the corner and it’s waiting to earn
attempts toward change! I don’t just mean outward you a living. You think Renee Zellweger planned on LIbRA September 24 – October 23
adjustments; I’m talking about those that haunt you waiting tables forever? Waste not. Want not! Especially when it’s playful
on the inside. Strengthen your social connections energy you’re expending. An innocent visit to the
by examining their effects on you—good or bad. If GEMINI May 22 – June 21 local adult novelty shop could animate some lively
you feel asphyxiated or bogged down by a parasitic You say you ache to gain more from life than what spirits in you! A spur-of-the-moment outing to a
relationship, tear it off like a Bioré pore strip. That may you get from everyday, mundane activities and you karaoke bar could get the juices flowing! All of these
sound harsh, but toward the third week, you’ll see the want to broaden your path into unexplored territory. are more than appropriate ways of setting the pace
benefits of a blockage-free life—and face! Just don’t There’s only one thing I have to say about that: You of the New Year! Your charm is peaking so a romantic
go overboard. Paris Hilton might have burned too go, girl! Just be careful not to let your head surpass encounter could be on the table. Just be mindful of
many bridges doing so. When was the last time you the clouds! Events early on in the month will call your your words! Too cocky a demeanor might make you
heard anything about her? attention back down to mother Earth to address a sound like Simon Cowell, with less tact!
deficiency in communications that hits close to home.
PISCES February 20 – March 20 Rupert Everett may be dreamy, but he’s levelheaded SCORPIO October 24 – November 22
Taking time out of your busy pants-dropping enough to know when to bring it all back home. Are you not finding the same gratification you once
schedule to reflect upon private matters would be Now…if only his home included me somehow! had with your favorite pastimes? It’s entirely possible
a good idea right now. Week two will bring a few that you’ve squeezed all the fun right out of them!
surprises that you’ll be better prepared for if you CANCER June 22 – July 23 Not to worry, my eight-legged love. There are amaz-
start arranging your thoughts soon. Health will be a Are you ready for another uneventful flood of New ing ways you can kick-start your fascination in things
recurring topic of discussion, but don’t be alarmed. Year’s promises and New Year romance? Think again! you usually take for granted. Picture your workplace
It’s nothing that a loose dance in tight jeans won’t While you roll your eyes and yawn at the promise as the inspiration behind a hilarious new sitcom, or
shake off! Just look at your fellow Pisces, Rob Lowe. of love, all the other boys are frantically working visualize your computer screen as a glowing canvas
It’s hard to tell which end is prettier whenever he toward being coupled in time for the big V.D.! (That’s ready to be slathered with color. Calvin Klein had
rocks skintight denim! Valentine’s Day, for all you sickos out there). We still to think this way. How else do you think he got us all
have some time before then, and your nonchalant wearing the same black CK t-shirt back in 1997?
ARIES March 21 – April 20 attitude will be a refreshing sight to those looking
Oh, Aries. Always trying to ram it in when you know for something more than a romp-and-run. But you’d SAGITTARIUS November 23 – December 22
it won’t fit…Of course I’m talking about the flurry of better drop the act by the time your eager Prince You can’t manage to sit still this month, can you
commitments that you’re forcing into your already- Charming catches sight of you! Speaking of a royal Sagittarius? And it’s not the cushion on your chair or
crammed agenda! If you don’t take a moment to stud, Prince William of Wales is one flight lieuten- that new oscillating toy with the beads on the inside.
breathe and relax, I’m going to have to turn the hose ant with whom I’d sure like to join the mile-high club! It’s all you! There is no one better than you to get the
on you! Before your next venture, take a hint from the job done. But once it is done, you self sabotage by
angelic Aries, Reese Witherspoon…and really stop LEO July 24 – August 23 creating more work instead of getting any rest! Well
to think before you agree to another Legally Blonde You little showoff! That’s what we love about you. that’s going to stop now! Your assignment for the first
sequel! But it’s best to share the stage with others for the week of the month is to sit back and relax. Your fellow
time being. Take this time out of the local limelight Sagit-terror Tyra banks is always on TV no matter
TAURUS April 21 – May 21 to better your image with those close to you. Maybe what time of day it is, so put in some quality time at
Are you chained to your desk? Is your boss con- your workmates would like to see another side of that her judge’s table!
64 RAGE monthly | january 2010
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