When we allow ourselves to experience we had no control. Significant self-centeredness
underlying feelings of sadness, pain and loss, likewise, is a common response to an absence
our tears lower the level of cortisol. Breathing of sufficient attention, interest, value and
during periods of stress and anger tends to be feelings of love in childhood. When our
shallow, erratic, withholding, hard, and rough or childhood experiences with vulnerable feelings
hyperventilating, which increases stress and were not met with acceptance, understanding
anger. and helpfulness, we may deny them. This then
sabotages our ability to identify the roots of
Our bodies maintain the energies of unhealed problems and resolve them. This denial also
anger and stress in tissues, muscles and organs. prevents us from developing a firm identity and
They become weak areas of the body, a supportive, nurturing, positively empowering
vulnerable to aches, pain, injury, disease, relationship with ourselves. Our relationships
lowered mobility, strength or functioning. with others then lack acceptance and tolerance
Destructive behavior increases the amount of or have excessive fear associated with them.
negative energy held in the body, thereby
lowering immune system support. Chronic Other consequences of past maltreatment
anger or stress hijacks our internal guidance include maintaining tension in the body, having
system, giving us physical sensations that startle responses, being hypervigilant and
promote greater strife, rather than healthy self- hypersensitive to any cues of danger, and
care. When we lack healthy personal needing to control our environment and people
caretaking, we are more dependent upon around us. If we keep our body braced, tensed
others for gratification. This inevitably leads to and alerts, we think we’ll be prepared for any
more disappointment and anger. necessary defensive or offensive actions to
protect ourselves. Conversely we believe that if
If we were physically or sexually abused, we allow ourselves to relax and be vulnerable,
especially in childhood, our brain may have then when we are hurt, it will hurt more. The
protected us from painful body awareness. truth is contrary to this notion. Maintaining the
Whether we disassociated, denied or repressed tension or intention of harm, attracts harmful
painful sensations, we learned to disconnect people and situations to us, creating a self-
from signals of danger that in later life can fulfilling prophecy. And we are not learning
prompt us to set boundaries, disengage or cry resiliency, recovery, or healing, nor are we
for help. Sometimes in the absence of healthy cultivating positive emotions in our bodies. This
bonding, harmful interactions are defined as stance also places us in an adversary role with
positive, because they are the only sign of life and keeps us in a child dependent reactive
attention. In this case we may have learned to state.
idealize abuse. We may think that our tolerance
for abuse indicates strength, adaptability, lack Hopefully at some point, we realize that our
of neediness and vulnerability. This can also relationship with stress and anger has
precipitate self-harm. compounded our problems. We can find
healthy, safe support in which to heal earlier
Willfulness and excessive need for control is pain, and explore, understand and release
typically a reaction to earlier trauma over which vulnerable feelings and physical tension. We
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