Olympian Jason Brown communicates with his longtime coach Kori Ade before taking the ice at Skate America.
your child’s coach or between partners, is mutual respect. Tat has been a key ingredient in the suc- cess of Meryl and Charlie’s partnership. Meryl and Charlie didn’t always commu-
nicate with each other. When our coach, Seth Chafetz, tried Meryl and Charlie out for the first time at ages 8 and 9, they took each other’s hand and skated smoothly in synch around the rink without saying a word. Even though later that day, they were both able to tell us all about the tryout and what the coach said to them, they didn’t speak to each other for several years. Tey had a lot to learn about communication. We tried to help them understand the skills in- volved in communicating with each other, with emphasis on being respectful and listening. Tey were respectful and patient, but they still didn’t speak to each other, at least, not out loud. How- ever, in spite of this lack of communication, they developed a trusting bond and friendship based
U.S. FIGURE SKATING
Davis and White work with a TV crew leading up to the 2014 Olympic Winter Games.
Gracie Gold talks with coach Frank Carroll and choreog- rapher Lori Nichol before competing.
on mutual respect and a common goal they were both willing to work hard to achieve. So if Mer- yl and Charlie could learn to communicate, with their shaky start, there’s hope for your skater. Tere are some useful communication tools that will come in handy when you’re addressing challenges with your child’s skating, whether it is helping him or her solve a problem or address- ing an issue with the coach or even when you’re speaking with another parent. Te first is the shut-up-and-listen rule. You can’t communicate well if you begin a monologue or lecture whenev- er the other person starts to speak, or if you talk over the top of the person. Tis is especially true when communicating with your kids; they have so much they can tell us if we stop talking and listen.
Replace ego with empathy. Put being right
aside when working to find solutions that will help your skater. Listen with caring, compassion and attunement, and read between the lines. You’ll also find there is a deeper understanding when you pay attention to body language and fa- cial cues.
Tis resolution conflict exercise that many communication experts recommend can be help- ful to practice with your skater to prepare for the inevitable day when a problem pops up. Encour- age them to talk to you and resolve issues as they come up, rather than waiting until they are so up- set they’re ready to explode. Pick an issue that your skater is having trou- ble with and set aside 30 minutes to talk about it with them — it can be at a later time. Make sure to stick with one issue at a time. Plan in advance for the 30 minutes, then after it is over, plan to do something fun. Encourage him or her to loosen up; be re- spectful and realize that nothing has to be fixed
in the 30 minutes. No one is right and no one is wrong. Each person takes five minutes to express their concern without interruption. Practice reflective listening, in that you re-
peat back what you think the other person’s con- cerns are so they know you understood correctly. Ten take it to the next step; take the in-
formation you’ve shared and start working on the solutions. Brainstorming: Each person gets five minutes to brainstorm and write down as many solutions as they can come up with. Do not judge, and be aware of nonverbal communication. Each person has a chance to suggest solutions, some of which may be silly or exaggerated. Have fun with it! Choose one solution you think will work, that each person will be 80 percent satisfied with. Look for a win-win. If one person is unhappy with the solution, it won’t work. If a solution looks possible, but isn’t quite right for the partner, ask, “What would you need to have happen or change for this to work for you?” Now go and have fun, go for ice cream or a walk in the park, but don’t problem-solve any- more today. Meryl and Charlie didn’t argue, but one time they had an issue that they put off addressing. It was a small issue that had reached a boiling point. We looked around the rink and they were no- where to be found. It turned out they had gone to the ballet room to hash out their issue. Tey came back laughing, without any sign there had ever been a difference between them. Tey had been able to sit down and resolve their problem. We realized that effective communication is about much more than just talking. You have to start with honesty and mutual respect. Te power of mutual respect can’t be un-
derestimated. Success takes a team. Tis is true whichever discipline of figure skating your child chooses. It takes passion, a strong work ethic, re- silience, perseverance, respect for your coach and your skating partner, the unconditional love and support of your family and, of course, communi- cation skills.
Coming next month, Success Starts at Home
Part 3: Balance and Perspective Kelly Vogtner is the senior director of athlete development at U.S. Figure Skating.
SKATING 29
PHOTO BY JAY ADEFF
JAY ADEFF/U.S. FIGURE SKATING
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