BUTT END
Apocalypse Maybe
WHY CANOEISTS ARE BEST PREPARED FOR THE ZOMBIE HOARD BY KEVIN CALLAN
It all started with one off-hand remark about how paddlers are more prepared for a zombie apocalypse than the general pub- lic. After that, every major morning show was eager to have me on. Instead of chat- ting about the latest camp gadgets, I was the new expert on the latest trend: zombie survival kits. Since the classic 1968 film, Night of the
Living Dead, zombies have been the focus of hundreds of movies and have invaded every corner of pop culture in the past decade. Ten million of us fans watched cable television show The Walking Dead religiously. Pre-teens stay up too late, kill- ing corpses on their game consoles. The undead have even infested the classics, including revamped novel, Pride and Preju- dice and Zombies, and the silver screen hit, Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies. Perhaps it should come as no surprise
that zombies have crept into outdoor mar- keting, too. The past few years have seen a surge
in zombie apocalypse survival kits from outdoor companies. Their contents are a mix of traditional camping products and
62 SUMMER/FALL 2013
survival gear, accompanied by a tongue- in-cheek ad campaign. Here’s a sampling: survival essentials
manufacturer SOL (Survive Outdoors Longer)
rebranded their cornerstone
survival kit to create the SZL (Survive Zombies Longer) kit. It’s covered in blood splatter graphics, of course. Gerber’s got citizens covered, “if the Dead walk,” with their Apocalypse Kit, which features an array of machetes and knives. And if you’re looking for helpful tips and gear recommendations for the dawn of the dead, they’re on offer at Goal Zero’s zom- bie-themed microsite,
www.zurvived.it. Sales reps certainly seem to be having
fun with the rebranded products. “We’d rather promote bivy bags, survival knives and our solar charge flashlights for zom- bie protection than some other, more seri- ous, end of the world scenario,” says Barna Robinson, a sales agent for Goal Zero. When it comes to end of the world scenar-
ios, canoeists, I believe, are more prepared then anyone else. Zombie survival kits boast a mix of rope, water purification tablets, first aid supplies, shelters and waterproof
matches, all tucked into a durable pack. I’ve got all that, and so do you. Axes and multi- tools aside, a quick trip to the gear attic can supply enough bivy bags, solar kits and pon- chos to last at least a dozen zombie attacks. Add to that dehydrated chili packs and homemade jerky, cooked on non-petroleum cook stoves, and we’re set for the onslaught. As backcountry paddlers, we practice
for the apocalypse for days at a time. We’re used to eating dehydrated food, schlep- ping heavy supplies through the bush, for- aging and fishing for dinner, warding off predators and traveling without leaving a trace. Best of all, we’ve got the means to travel to remote, zombie-free islands. The truth about zombie culture, why
the newest zombie movie outsells the last, is not the fear of the brain-eating zombies themselves. Instead, most of us have a deep desire to see if we could survive living in an untamed world. Well, I’ve survived the sweepers and five hellish portages on the Kopka River during blackfly season, without DEET. Bring on the zombies, I say. Kevin Callan’s bug-out bag includes two machetes and a bottle of the hard stuff.
ILLUSTRATION: LORENZO DEL BIANCO
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