BARBICAN LIFE


Afterthoughts Lambert Jones’s Diary: Part 2 Kevin Kiernan


Lambert is Bridget Jones’s ne’er-do-well brother and a new-ish Barbican resident. Kevin Kiernan has sneaked a look at some of his recent diary entries.


Wednesday 27th March 2013 Weight 19st 3lbs, Cigarettes 5, Nicotine patches 6, electric cigarettes 7, Jobs 0 (Smoking is becoming rather complicated to tot up these days with all the various options!). Easter is looming and, as I am 11 lbs under my Code Red max of 20 stones, I treat myself to an extra large Luxury Easter egg from Waitrose. Slightly embarrassing as the rest of my basket had the tell tale signs of the unpopular loner – eg various Ready Meals for One and small cans of tinned veg (got to keep up with my 5 a day). The chatty cashier spotted this ‘you are not eating that huge egg by yourself are you?’. Where are the mirthless, bored assistants when you need them?


I received yet another email from the Estate Office about ‘Beech Street Gardens’ and the progress (or lack of it) they are making. I have walked up and down Beech St a number of times and have failed to locate where these gardens are. Indeed, I am not quite sure why they keep banging on about these non-existent Gardens while they seem relatively silent on the concrete issue. Still we are probably best placed, if we experience a meteor shower, as we have had so much practice dodging heavy lumps.


Wednesday 17th April 2013 Weight 19 st 13 lbs, Nicotine services: (Cigs 6, Patches 7, e-cigarettes 3). Jobs 0 Still trying to lose those Easter pounds. A nice lady from the Estate Office popped around to discuss my outstanding service charges. In that awkward moment before she got down to the nitty gritty, I raised the Beech St Gardens mystery. Before I could begin my Poirot imitation, she pointed out that out the gardens are on the highwalk. The problem she explained is that the lakes are leaking and, if you have a leaking lakes, you don’t want them upstairs, so as to speak. We got back to the matter in hand, my indebtedness – I pleaded that I was between jobs, but my case for pleading poverty wasn’t helped by her tripping over the large Luxury Easter egg box which I had forgotten to recycle. She left saying that next time she would be bringing the Estate Office Alsatian.


Decided on the spot to invent my own 56


company – a one man think tank – ‘Weighty Ideas’. I wrote the Estate Office a note saying that as, at the merest hint of rain, large unofficial lakes form on the highwalk. They should put the people, currently responsible for podium, drainage, to be in charge of the maintaining official lake levels The Lake Men, on the other hand who can’t seem to build a leakproof lake, should be put in charge of the podium drains. Sent the Estate Office an accompanying invoice for the bright idea. That should settle the next Service Charge bill.


Tuesday 30th April 2013 Weight 19 st 12 lbs, Nicotine services: (Cigs 7, Patches 3, e-cigarettes 6), Jobs 1! (Now Chairman of Weighty Ideas!). I woke up desperate for vodka and proper fags (those e-cigarettes don’t quite step up to the plate). I had a nightmare that the Government had succeeded so well in their cigarette plain labeling campaign that no one could find them I was rather disappointed to find that Ambals. at the bottom of Lauderdale, had closed. It was pricey, but saved the walk to Tesco’s. Its replacement seems to be called the ‘Shop’. A dull name but you can’t fault the logic. It’s only open Thursday to Sunday and no vodka and no fags. An odd assortment of goods, laid out on tables in a 1950’s Church Fair style. A bright idea emerged. I suggested that they promote the ‘Lauderdale’ diet.- you only buy your daily needs from the shop and starve the other three days. I penned the idea down and enclosed a ‘Weighty Ideas’ invoice for their consideration.


Sunday 12th May 2013 Weight 19 st 11 lbs, Nicotine services: (Cigs 17, Patches 3, e-cigarettes 0), Jobs 1, Income - Imminent.


Barbican station closed again. It's hard to believe that work is happening behind the scenes. I wonder whether the Circle Line staff just like going to the country for the weekend. Perhaps not to Downton or the ilk, but possibly a caravan park rather like myself. My friend lets me have free run of his one on Canvey Island. I always think caravans are rather like piano accordions,


woks and fondue sets. They seem a good idea at the time, but they become a liability. To be fair to TFL, I noticed that the ticket office was open, but only from 10.15 to 11.45 am (that’s a nice job). It seemed an odd thing to do, selling a tube ticket without a train to go with it. Perhaps there are people who collect tickets rather like stamps. Strolling into Charterhouse Square I noticed a sign for the ‘Clerkenwell Design Week 21-23 May’. A three day week here, 4 day shops, 90 minute ticket offices, we seem to have reverted to Edward Heath’s 3 day week without the prompting of a miners’ strike.


Monday 3rd June 2013 Weight 19 st 10 lbs (steady, but slow decline!), Nicotine services: (Cigs 28, Patches 3, e-cigarettes 0), Jobs 1, Income – any time soon.


I received a different sort of financial demand. The tone was polite and no pictures of Rottweilers in the letter heading. It was from Milton Court, the new Drama School building . It seems rather poor taste to call the building the same name as the brutalist homage to Corbusier that stood there before the bulldozers trundled in. Apparently the original building was a mélange of Flats, a Fire Station and a Mortuary, the latter two both very useful on occasions but I am not sure I would want them in my back yard – so as to speak. The GSMD were offering to put my name on their concert hall seats. The cheapest options are £500 pounds each, although I was told, given my girth, that I would probably need two if I wanted to sit down. I pointed out that it would be cheaper to change my name to ‘G13’. Another ‘Weighty ideas’ methinks. I think I will celebrate by popping into Waitrose and see if the extra large Luxury Xmas Yule logs are on sale yet.


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