them connect. The lengths of responses are differ- ent as well. Women often say, “I am sick and tired of communicating long messages to men and get- ting back one-word responses.” I observe changes, of course, but not relating to talk so much. Women see more options for them- selves today than they did 20 years ago. However, women still want to talk about problems; men still want to talk about how to fix the problems.
Your book Talking From 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work explores how ways of speaking affect who gets heard, who gets credit, who gets ahead, and what gets done in the workplace. Why are women often seen as less confident and competent than they really are? One way to handle situations in meetings is for women to watch out for each other. If a woman says something and it is ignored, it is hard for her to say, “Hey, I just said that, it was my idea.” It is better for someone else at the meeting to say,
“Ashley just said that.” Women can team up with a woman or a man in advance to help make sure they are heard. In a work relationship, a man may say, “Have this project ready by three today.” And a woman
may say, “Do you think you could have this ready by three?” Instead, a woman can say, “I need to have this by three. Will you be able to do that?” Women apologize often — more frequently than men. However, what women mean is that they are sorry that something happened, but they are not really apologizing for the situation. Moni- tor your own style. Pay attention to intonation patterns. For example, women’s voices often go up in tone at the end of a statement. They can remind themselves not to do that and keep intonations level at the end of a sentence. Stop saying disclaimers such as, “I don’t know
if this is a very good idea, but….” That’s why it is so important to monitor and get feedback on your own style.
In your book The Argument Culture: Stopping America’s War of Words, you say that everywhere we turn, there is evidence that in public discourse, we prize contentiousness and aggression more than cooperation and conciliation. Associations operate based on consensus, and, for the most part, dislike debate and confrontation. So how does the argument culture of today fit into association communication and deliberations?
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Word Doctor Deborah Tannen has made it her life’s work to understand face-to-face communication — ‘language in context.’