How do you define linguistics? I specialize in the study of everyday conversation. I try to have people think about how they speak, to be aware of issues such as the physical distance between them and the other people with whom they are engaging in conversation, are they direct or indirect when they speak, how do they get to the point of a story, is it different than my approach. Understanding these kinds of linguistic differ- ences can avoid frustrating conversations.
How is electronic communication and social media affecting interpersonal communication? Social media has good and bad effects. This tool puts us in communication with so many more people, which is positive. When I was in college, we called home once a week. Many of our students today, especially the young women, talk to their mothers and friends five times a day. They are constantly texting, or making quick phone calls, or sending emails between classes or during them. Some think this is great, as there is a lot more connection. Others believe this isn’t positive, as people aren’t learning to be independent thinkers when they check in with others on a personal and professional level all the time.
Communication via social media presents a
danger in that it is much easier to misunderstand what is being communicated. You don’t have the cues of tone of voice, facial expressions, or body language. Email or text communication has risks
— it’s very efficient, you get it off right away, but it can create the wrong impression. I value making decisions by bringing great minds
together and kicking ideas around face-to-face. It is harder to make good decisions electronically. … The benefits of talking face-to-face are huge.
What are the elements of effective communication? The most important thing I have learned over the years is the awareness and importance of under- standing conversation styles. If you talk to someone who has a conversation style similar to yours, you most likely will have effective communication. On the other hand, if you talk to someone whose con- versation style is different, you need to understand those differences. For example, when do you stop speaking and let the other person start? When is it your turn and when is it theirs? If you have a differ- ent sense of when a pause is normal, you are going to constantly interrupt, talk over each other, or the other person won’t get their time to talk.
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Many people expect you to come out and say exactly what you mean. Some prefer indirect com- munication and find direct communication unac- ceptable. They may find it impossible to tell you what they think, especially if it is negative.
‘Networking events should have three separate locations.’
The meetings industry hasn’t figured out the best way to connect likeminded people, so we often hold receptions and hope for the best. What advice can you offer to make these networking opportunities as effective as possible? It is almost as if these networking events should have three separate locations — one for introverts, one for extroverts, and one for a combination of both. I am not joking about this. Dividing your groups into smaller divisions of people who have an affinity of some type would be helpful. It is also useful to have activities planned that help people connect.
If you think of some of the most exciting conversations you have ever had, can you extract principles from them? If your question is what kinds of gatherings are conducive to productive conversations, it strikes me that the smaller, the better. If there is a commonality of interest, it is also better. Some people believe that asking questions is best; for others it is necessary to learn to be quiet and listen. For other people, getting started and hoping others will chime in is their style. For some, talking about controversial topics is a
great way to connect. For others, politics is off the table. In Germany, for example, politics and reli- gion are the best subjects to start a conversation about. If you think about Americans, it often is not.
What, if anything, has changed over the 20 years since You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation was published? It is absolutely astonishing to me how very little has changed. My students sometimes start this conversation by saying that was 20 years ago and the findings are not relevant. Then they go out and study/record conversations and find exactly the same styles and issues as 20 years ago. The fundamental patterns I observed about girls and women are that “talk is the glue that holds their relationships together.” Women are more likely to talk about personal things — that’s what makes them close. Boys and men are more likely to do things together and that is what makes