Cast of Characters:


Eli Scrounge: A lanky man, in his mid-fifties, his face heavily lined from squinting and continually frowning. The skipper of the yacht Bank Machine.


Bob Ratchet: One of Eli’s most devoted crew members. A man in his early thirties with a gentle, nurturing personality.


Mary Ratchet: Bob’s wife. An attractive woman with a personality to match Bob’s.


Briny Tom: Bob and Mary’s youngest son. A meek and quiet person, always anxious to please.


Jake Marlin: Eli’s former partner in the boat, who fell overboard a few years back (some say he was tossed).


Three spirits and a host of sailors.


SCENE I Scrounge and Bob are aboard “Bank Machine” immediately following a short buoy race. Bob is busily scrubbing the deck and putting away the equipment. Scrounge is sitting in the cockpit angrily muttering to himself.


Scrounge: I’ve got to replace that crewman Jimmy. Last week he chose the wrong spinnaker and the wind blew the darn thing apart. This week he sheets the sail too tight and rips it ... And that fool Craig! Cutting his hand when he raises the sail then COMPLAINING because I don’t have a medical kit. He’ll be lucky if I ever invite him back. Fools! Clumsy idiots! No wonder I can’t win any races.


Bob: (approaching Scrounge with a broken winch handle clutched in his hand) Mr. Scrounge, (gently) the crew are doing just fine, it’s your boat that needs attention. The problem wasn’t the wrong spinnaker or the sail sheeted too tightly. Your sails are wearing out and need replacing. So does some of the equipment.


Scrounge: Bah Hamberg! It’s my crew that needs replacing. Remember on that long distance race last month when three of them didn’t even show.


Bob: (struggling to maintain his gentle tone) Overnight races are hard on the crew, Mr. Scrounge. You won’t bring any food on board and you weigh the crew’s duffel bags as they board, throwing any bag over five pounds back onto the dock.


Scrounge: Weight is an important factor on this boat, Bob, and you know it. Let’s cease this silly banter and get to work. Bring the torn sails to the sailmaker and demand they be repaired for the Christmas Eve regatta.


48° NORTH, DECEMBER 2011 PAGE 30 The Miserly Mariner


Christmas spirits show the skinflint skipper of “Bank


Machine,” the error of his helm- hogging ways. Or was it just some bad, frozen pizza?


by Laurie Kimpton-Lorence


Bob: But the regatta’s tomorrow! They can never ...


Scrounge: (interrupting) Of course they can. Sailmakers are known as magicians.They can get any sail repaired on time. That’s their job!


Bob: (timidly) The crew didn’t expect you’d want to race the Christmas Eve regatta. I’ll ask them, but many have families and…(faltering)


Scrounge: Families indeed. Give them this message. They race Christmas Eve or they never race on my boat again. (Dumbfounded, Bob stares at Scrounge as the scene fades.)


SCENE II Scrounge is laying propped against his pillows with a TV dinner at his side and a book of racing rules in front of him. Suddenly a noise sounding like metal against wood is heard on the stairs. Scrounge sits bolt upright≥ alert and little afraid.


Scrounge: Is ... is someone there? (Slowly the door opens and the ghost of Jake Marlin appears. His frail body is wrapped in sails and halyards. Winches drag at his feet; camcleats hang from his hair.)


Jake: Eli Scrounge, look at my condition, for you too will suffer a similar fate.


Scrounge: Jake, my friend, is that really you?


Jake: I am but a ghost of my former self, made to wander the sailing world atoning for my selfish acts. Hear my tale! Again and again I find myself at the starting area of the Great Equalizer Race. I am drifting, drifting across the line with little wind in sight and the current about to turn against me. Beseachingly I look at the stern faces of the committee members. “What is the time limit?”


I cry out. “None” they reply. Repent, Eli Scrounge, or this too will be your fate for you are destined to be my crew.


Scrounge: How is this possible?


Jake: During the night you will be visited by three spirits. For once in your life, listen and learn, (the apparition fades...) (Scrounge stares ahead/or a long time, willing his brain to reason with his eyes. With a “BAH HAMBERG,” he lies down and falls asleep.)


SCENE III As Scrounge’s Casio watch beeps the midnight hour, a female spirit appears. She is dressed in the style of the 60’s ... bell bottomed jeans, a loose embroidered shirt and flowers interweaving with the strands of her long blond hair.


Spirit: Like wake up old man and smell the flowers.


Scrounge: (awakening with a start) Who and What are you?


Spirit: Like my name is Blossom and I’m the spirit of Christmas past. Like I’ll be your mentor for this trip.


Scrounge: If I vow never to eat frozen pizza again, will you leave me alone? (He lies face down trying to shut out her image.)


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