P26 Arkwright :SGBGolf_NEW_template 02/11/2009 10:21 Page 26
Arkwright
ARKWRIGHT
THE INDEPENDENT VOICE
M
y parcel wrapping skills are “Double-entry bookkeeping is a a thing and it was all my fault I
about as bad as my method which was intended to established that my crime was to
window dressing abilities ensure the integrity of financial have sold a large squash bag to her
and they are little short of a car records, try it, rather than making husband and that, apparently, was
crash. I hate both tasks, having little double-entry claims on your the key to his disappearance. She
patience for either, so avoid them expenses”. I couldn’t resist sending added, by this time the anger was
whenever possible. The family Lord Meddlesome, Jacqui Smith and replaced with sobbing, that she was
groan at Christmas when I share various others a compass each; too sure I knew more than I was letting
out my offerings, last year they late for them to see the moral point on. Explaining that once we’ve
thought I surpassed myself when I removed the security tag we do not
distributed presents roughly then install tracking devices or
wrapped in newspaper; it wasn’t SatNav to our sports bags in order
the fact I’d used newspaper that
caused shocked glances but that I
To make my
that partners can be traced did
nothing to calm her and I quite
had actually bothered to attempt
wrapping them at all that stunned
point I sent
thought at one point Saturday Boy’s
sexist squash jokes were going to
my nearest and dearest. For me
there’s something so soul- off a couple
send her right over the top. “He
always used to just take a small
destroying about spending
considerable time on crimping of “scrap”
backpack and his racket but on
Thursday he went off with that
paper then trimming with ribbons enormous new bag and I haven’t
and bows, knowing that it will take
items:
seen him since!” she said once
only seconds to have the thing she’d gained a bit of composure. It
ripped apart, and then watch all my
Gordon
did seem a bit strange until I
hard work go straight in the bin so I suddenly remembered the giggly
just don’t bother. But gift-wrapping
Brown got a
female who’d been with her
was not what my small packet mail husband when he bought the bag
out ploy was about; no this was an
well-worn
but I thought it better not to
exercise to register my disgust at mention that as it could be a
the unfairness of scrappage
jockstrap
complete red herring and would
schemes. Over the years probably only drag me into more
governments of differing political trouble. Though she had my
persuasions have subsidised the car sympathy I did explain that a refund
industry in varying ways, the latest on the bag wouldn’t be possible if
having even given away an entire but recommending they find an her husband did come back. In
car company to be plundered by honest direction when hopefully business you have to be hard but
four doubtful characters, so why they are kicked out of politics. fair.
shouldn’t I and other small retailers
have a little scrappage payback? To Ever since I found myself in a I’m still enjoying my regular swims
make my point I sent off a couple of rather embarrassing situation at the first thing in the mornings and
“scrap” items: Gordon Brown got a local rugby club, when I’d mixed up some days the gossip you hear over
well-worn jockstrap, the elasticity who was married to whom with the changing room walls is
shot to pieces with a note attached two couples there that led to a lot staggering, certainly more
saying, “Give retailers the support of misunderstanding and one entertaining than most soap operas.
we need”. I found an old divorce, I’ve been extremely careful Today’s revelation wasn’t gossip but
accounting book, from the days to avoid getting involved in other a health tip: two senior citizens
before I computerised our peoples’ affairs, in all senses of the talking about various friends and
bookkeeping, thankfully no word. So it was quite a surprise their ailments, then one lady said,
parcelling up necessary for that as it when Mrs Angry stormed into the “Thankfully I’m OK. I put that down
slipped conveniently into a recycled shop demanding to know where to swimming and scotch”. There
envelope along with a billet-doux to her husband was. Amidst all the was a pause then her friend said,
wing it’s way to an MP saying, accusations of how could I do such “Does it work with gin?”
26 SGB SPORTS OCTOBER 2009
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