inspiration
A husband watching sports while
may spend her day washing the cars
talking to his wife is not quality time.
and walking the dog, but if her husband
Th e Five
Without focused attention, even an
believes that laundry and dishes are the
intimate dinner for two can come
priorities, he may feel unloved, regard-
and go without a minute of true
less of her contributions. Effective ser-
sharing.
vice sometimes means humbly stepping
Quality conversation—sharing
out of gender stereotypes.
experiences, thoughts, feelings and
It is important to act out of love
desires in a friendly, uninterrupted
and not obligation. A partner whose
context—is crucial to a healthy
help is motivated by guilt or fear will
relationship. A good partner listens,
inevitably speak a language of resent-
offers advice and responds. Most
Languages
ment, not love. Heartfelt acts come
people don’t expect us to solve their
from a place of kindness and help
problems; they simply need a sympa-
ensure happiness.
thetic listener.
Quality activities are equally es-
Physical Touch
by Gary Chapman sential. Spending time together enjoy-
Many mates feel most loved when they
ing shared interests brings a couple
receive physical contact from their
W
e each come to love relation- closer and fi lls a memory bank for
partner. For a mate who speaks this love
ships with our own distinct future mutual reminiscences.
language loudly, physical touch can
personality and history, with
make or break the relationship.
different expectations, different ways Receiving Gifts
Sexual intercourse can engen-
of approaching things and different Some people respond well to visual
der feelings of security and love in a
opinions about what matters in life. We symbols of love, treasuring any gift as
marriage, but it is only one dialect of
need not agree with our partner about an expression of affection. Fortunately,
physical touch. Many parts of the body
everything, for instance, but we must this love language is one of the easiest
are extremely sensitive to stimulation.
fi nd ways to handle our differences so to learn.
Discovering how our partner responds
that they do not become divisive. Natural spenders have no trouble
to these touches, physically and psy-
I am convinced that no single buying gifts for their partner. However,
chologically, can help us become fl uent
area affects a relationship as much as a partner accustomed to investing and
in this love language, which is different
meeting the individual emotional need saving may have a tough time spend-
for everyone.
for love. We must learn to speak our ing money as an expression of love.
A partner whose primary love
partner’s love language if we want them It helps to understand that the true
language is physical touch would
to feel loved. Here’s how to tune in. investment is not in the gifts, but in
much rather be held in silence during a
deepening the relationship. Gifts need
crisis than offered advice. Yet, the type
Words of Affirmation not come every day or week or cost a
of touch that helps one partner feel
Mark Twain once said, “I can live for lot. If a partner relates to the language
secure may be irritating or uncomfort-
two months on a good compliment.” of gifts, any visible sign of love will
able for the other. We need to learn
Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully leave them feeling happy and secure.
the touches our mate likes. They may
to persons whose primary love lan- Sometimes all a partner desires is
be big acts—such as back massages or
guage is words of affi rmation. Simple a loved one’s presence, navigating the
lovemaking—or smaller gestures—like
statements of approval and encourage- same trials and experiencing the same
a hand on the cheek or shoulder. By
ment are sometimes all a person needs things. The gift of self can become a
learning each other’s dialects, we can
to hear to feel loved. powerful physical symbol of love.
communicate most lovingly through
Examples include: reinforcing a
our hugging, kissing and other physical
diffi cult decision; calling attention to Acts of Service
contacts.
progress made on a current project; Performing simple chores around the
and acknowledging a person’s per- house is another undeniable expres-
Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of nu-
spective on an important topic. Such sion of love. Even simple tasks, like
merous books, including The Five Love
affi rmations can help a loved one over- doing laundry and taking out the trash,
Languages series, written for couples,
come insecurities and develop greater require planning, time and effort.
singles and children. A relationship
confi dence. Often, both partners render acts of
counselor, he speaks to thousands of
service. The key is to understand which
couples nationwide through his week-
Quality Time acts a partner most appreciates; oth-
end marriage conferences and syndicat-
Quality time is more than proximity. It’s erwise, it’s like communicating in two
ed radio program, A Growing Marriage.
focusing all our energy on our partner. different dialects. For example, a wife
Visit FiveLoveLanguages.com.
www.MichiganHealthyLiving.com
February 2009
29
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