meaningful moments, a sense of spiritual sanctity, beauty, interconnectedness and appreciation of life for the families and patients they serve. An end-of-life doula at bedside assures that families and loved ones can focus on what is most important,” explains Estes, who believes that our true nature lives within us as an unblemished jewel. Helping individuals become


comfortable talking about death is the work of Dr. Karen Wyatt, of Dillon, Colorado, founder of the End of Life University, an online interview series with end-of-life care experts. She provides a trustworthy loving environment in monthly death cafés. Te author of What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of Dying expands the conversation through related articles and podcasts at eolUniversity.com. Death cafés benefit from Wyatt’s


experience as a hospice doctor. “Tere is never an agenda. Of the 10 to 12 people that generally join in, one is always a new caller, recently awakened to the idea of conscious dying or their own mortality. Tey’re seeking information and someone to talk to because family and friends aren’t interested. Some already embracing their mortality wish to explore their thoughts with others. Some callers join just to listen,” advises Wyatt. Because death in the West has


become a commercialized, medical event with funeral home packages the norm, Wyatt recommends the National Home Funeral Alliance to those interested in a deeper understanding of options and resources for a gentler model. Te nonprofit, grassroots movement and its members, such as Sacred Crossings, in Los Angeles, seek to restore the lost art and healing ritual of a home funeral by preserving the rights of families to provide home aſter-death care. Supporting and educating interested


families is the mission of Sacred Crossings founder Rev. Olivia Rosemarie Bareham. Te certified death midwife and home funeral guide draws from her experiences as an auxiliary nurse and hospice volunteer to assist families with end-of-life planning, death midwifery


Moody and Smartt agree that


We rediscover that in order to die well, we must live well. Dying gracefully is the result of a mindful, day-to-day journey—a culmination of informed choices, honest discussions and deference to the hallowed fragility of nature’s life-death cycles.


~William Rosa


and arrangements for an at-home vigil and funeral, as well as cremation and burial choices. “We also offer sacred singing to


help ease a loved one’s transition. Music by a bedside soloist or choir before, during and aſter death can be deeply relaxing and comforting, and even provide pain relief,” advises Bareham.


Exploring the Mystery For more than 40 years, philosopher, psychologist and physician Raymond Moody’s life work has been acknowledging the mysteries and validating the unexplainable events at the end of life. His seminal bestseller Life Aſter Life appeared in 1975. Lisa Smartt’s mentorship by Moody led them to co-found FinalWordsProject. org. She’s also authored Words at the Treshold, a study of the nonsensical, metaphorical and paradoxical language and visions of the dying.


by better understanding the unique language patterns related to end of life we can share more deeply and build bridges with our beloveds throughout the dying process. “When we do so, we offer greater support to the dying and ameliorate our own experience of loss as they cross the threshold,” remarks Smartt. Like William Peters, founder of the Shared Crossings Project, in Santa Barbara, California, they caution that compassionate etiquette during events at death is important. “Assume that levels of awareness


exist in the dying so that our energy and presence are felt and our voices heard,” advises Moody. “Respect your words and actions, regardless of the person’s state of consciousness. Be a compassionate listener and validate their vision. Don’t pretend to intellectualize or explain anything.” Dianne Gray, president and


executive director of the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation, also owns Hospice and Healthcare Communications. “Te dying oſten wish to leave here surrounded by peace and harmony. Tey choose to let go of contentiousness and oſten wish family members would do the same, which is facilitated by mapping out Advance Directives according to the final wishes of the patient,” says Gray. Questions she frequently addresses


in public talks and Death Over Dinner party conversations include: the necessity of finishing unfinished business; bringing closure to unresolved relationship issues; finding words to express our compassion; soothing the sense of impending loss; and managing to take only love with us to the other side, yet leave enough of it behind to help loved ones through their grieving process. She cautions that no matter how well we plan for death, things don’t always go as planned. “Sometimes no matter how many


advance care conversations have taken place, discord can dismantle the best laid plans. It requires the tough work of compassionate communications. Friends and families need to remember that this is the patient’s end-of-life experience,


August 2018 27


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