“I had secret stashes all over the house. I never got on well with alcohol and would be binge drinking two or three times a week even then. One drink was never enough. Because I was Catholic, we had to go to church and I believed the blood of Christ is actually alcoholic so I used to gulp it,” she said.
“After Tiarnan’s death I was daily drinking, even filling water bottles with vodka and taking them into school. As an alcoholic you become a mass manipulator. Every little thing that happened I would use as an excuse to commemorate or commiserate with a drink. Every event would revolve around booze.
“I was becoming quite a liability. I really tested people and had very turbulent relationships. But I was managing it quite well and I was very good at playing the victim.”
Denial stood in the path of Saoirse’s recovery, despite several spells in rehab.
She recalls: “For a long time I resented a psychiatrist at the Nuffield Hospital because she was the first person to tell me I was an alcoholic. When I came out of rehab I bullshitted to everyone that I wasn't drinking but I was and the anorexia just got worse and worse. At my worst I'd collapse in the street because I was so underweight.
“I had this tingling in my hands and I thought it was just pins and needles but it was actually my nerves shutting down. I also found out that I had osteopenia in my spine, which is the reversible version of osteoporosis because my body was eating the bones. A pelvic scan showed my reproductive organs at the age of 21 were younger than a 12-year-old’s.”
Continuous interventions, eating plans and a nine-month spell in a specialist clinic, did help Saoirse turn a corner with her eating disorder, slowly starting to restore weight to her frail body. But it didn’t satisfy her obsession for excess.
She said: “At 22 I came out of the clinic and promptly bought a house with my then boyfriend. And that’s when things really escalated. I had the freedom to drink and cocaine came into it as well. Suddenly it was two kids in active addiction together. It exploded over three to four years.”
WAKE UP CALL
A series of failed suicide attempts and brushes with the law culminated in what became the wake-up call which ultimately saved her life.
She reflects: “I used to drink and drive all the time, not that I'm proud of it. On this particular night I heard this song playing in the car that reminded me of my ex and I became very emotional and suicidal. Apparently I had taken my seatbelt off and made a beeline for a tree.”
The impact caused the car to flip and Saoirse sustained broken bones and a head injury. A roadside breath test revealed she had been driving while four and a half times over the limit.
“I remember my dad and my baby sister coming to the hospital to collect me on discharge and I was already looking for my next drink. My sister just lost it with me.
“I had been a daily drinker for 10 years with no regard for the consequences. The accident was a pivotal moment, and a week later, I had reached a breaking point. I called an ambulance for myself and went into hospital to start a detox program. I was just sick of tired of feeling sick and tired. I was done.”
This month marks three years of successful sobriety, with the support of a sponsor, thrice-weekly AA meetings and the 12 Step Program, a key focus of which is about making amends and rebuilding damaged relationships.
She said: “I've had to have some difficult conversations with friends and it’s been hard listening to how my behaviour has affected them because I was drinking to black out so I wasn't aware of most of the stuff I was doing. My relationship with my family is slowly repairing too but 10 or 20 years of drunkenness will make a sceptic out of anyone.”
While Saoirse is forced to accept a lifelong daily battle with addiction, three years of sobriety was celebrated with the release of her new book in October ‘It’s A Colourful Life So Far’ funded by a Soroptimist Diamond Education Grant.
She explains: “The aim is that it will resonate with someone who's going through alcoholism or eating disorder challenges and to give them a sense of hope, which is what I needed at the time.
“You are never too young to get sober. There's a difference between admitting and accepting, you're an alcoholic. I think I had admitted it to myself for many years, but never accepted it, I didn't want to.
“There’s a life beyond addiction, and I now experience the world through sober eyes, guided by unity, service, and recovery. It’s about doing the hard work of self-reflection and self-improvement. I now live a life with peace of mind, far removed from the chaos of my past. There is light at the end of the tunnel for those who seek it.”
She added: “If Tiarnan was here today he'd probably say about time you sorted your shit out, and I think he'd be proud.”
WHAT CATHERINE SAYS: "I was catapulted into Saoirse’s life on a terrible, unimaginable, and tragic day back in December 2011. The death of her cheeky, charismatic, and captivating brother Tiarnan, a school friend of my daughter Alice, is a day I will never forget. Over the years, I kept an eye out for news of the family.
“I could see that Saoirse was a gifted communicator, so I reached out to her and invited her on my Gobsmacked! Podcast when I was once again floored by her story and her articulation. To now have the privilege of writing the foreword for her book is something I will hold dear. I marvel and applaud her courage—that instead of cowering away in a corner, engulfed in shame, this courageous fighter has bravely stuck her head above the parapet, putting her thoughts, heart, and soul out there for us.”
You can follow Catherine Williamson’s Gobsmacked podcast at
https://gobsmacked.me/ The book accompanying her podcast is available to purchase
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ENTERTAINMENT CATHERINE WI L L IAMSON
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