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My journey and transition from childhood into my late teens was traumatic and it left me feeling like an outsider to everyone I met. – Jay Sullivan
Toni Velikova sits down for a chat with Jay Sullivan, one of the LGBTQ+ Network Committee members, to discuss his story, his advice and insights into living stealth.
S the LGBTQ+
Network Committee, we aim to provide an accepting, inclusive space, where all
LGBTQ+ LKI workers feel comfortable to freely talk about their experiences and be themselves at their fullest. Unfortunately, this is not always the case when it comes to members of the community in the workplace. According to Stonewall’s 2018 LGBT in Britain Work Report, over 35 per cent of LGBTQ+ staff are not out at work for fear of discrimination. We believe that these are stories that deserve to be heard and represented as they can provide us with insight on how we can make work environments safer for LGBTQ+ people
Toni Velikova (TV): Why did you make the decision not to come out at work?
Jay Sullivan (JS): I joined my current organisation over 10 years ago and had already been living as Jay for several years prior to this date. At the time, I felt no need to disclose my transgender history and there was no legal requirement for me to do so. Having obtained my Gender Recognition Certificate, my legal gender in all official documents was male and my birth certificate very clearly said Jay, too. Physically, I guess you could say I just looked like your average twenty-odd year-old male librarian with a very pronounced beard! Therefore, I decided to keep my identity private. On reflection, that decision was deeply rooted in my past experiences, shame and a fear for my own safety.
April-May 2021
Awareness and acceptance of trans identities felt very different back then. My journey and transition from childhood into my late teens was traumatic and it left me feeling like an outsider to everyone I met. I was bullied throughout my school years; afterwards, during my years at University, I suffered transphobic harassment and physical assault. Accessing medical treatment was a significant challenge too, as back then the medical care pathway was really difficult to navigate. I regularly faced implicit bias and that impacted me greatly.
Things have improved significantly since then but those influences and experiences definitely played a huge part in my decision to live stealth. Due to my past experiences, I had been led to fear for my own safety. Over the course of many years I’d developed a lot of coping mechanisms, such as shame- based self-criticism and avoidance. I suppose the honest truth is, I didn’t feel safe to share or be open. I was deeply ashamed of myself and that was very much a deciding factor in my decision, too. I decided to block out my past and took the opportunity the new job had given me to make a fresh start as “just Jay”.
In hindsight, I now know that, although this strategy of avoidance worked for me for many years, it came with several unintended consequences. It reinforced my feelings of shame; it worsened my fear and, most of all, it prevented true acceptance of my own identity.
TV: That sounds really tough, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through
Toni Velikova, (@ToniVBooks) works as the Assistant Librarian at the Scottish Poetry Library in Edinburgh. She is the secretary of the CILIP LGBTQ+ Network Committee. Toni graduated from her Book History and Material Culture course at the University of Edinburgh in 2018 and has done academic work on censorship affecting LGBTQ+ publications. She is a lesbian woman and uses she/her pronouns
Jay Sullivan, is a Library Manager based in the Midlands region. He is a member of the CILIP LGBTQ+ Network Committee and is currently undertaking his Chartership. Jay views himself as a ‘critical friend’ and aims to improve the lives of those who identify as LGBTQ+. He is especially keen to ensure that the perspectives of those who choose to live stealth are heard and represented in the workplace. Jay is a trans man and uses he/him pronouns.
that. I can imagine that others, who choose to live stealth, may recognise parts of themselves in your story. How does your decision impact the way you interact with fellow LGBTQ+ professionals, and the LGBTQ+ community as a whole?
JS: The choice to live stealth has had its advantages, but it has also been a real burden at times. LGBT History Month is a great example of this. While I am a member of the community, I haven’t always felt that I can engage in this
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