You Want to Trust…but Experience Tells You Not To By Deborah K. Krevalin, LPC, LMHC


teriorate. Trust is a necessary ingredient for happy and successful relationships, romantic and otherwise. Yet the ability to trust others can be elusive for so many of us and without it, happy, healthy, and high-functioning relationships cannot be sustained.


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Why Can Some People Trust More Easily Than Others?


Like many therapeutic explanations, childhood plays a key role in the answer to this question. The type of attachment we had to our parents or caregivers in childhood is a precipitating factor in our ability to trust as adults. Our early attach- ments serve as a model of how we view the world and the people in it. Children who grow up in an environment where the people around them are dependable, caring, and trustworthy will have a greater propensity to trust others in adulthood. Conversely, a child whose mother or caregiver is mercurial, unreliable, and apathetic (and/or neglectful, unkind, or abusive) will more than likely have difficulty with trust as an adult. When we have not processed and healed old wounds from childhood, we struggle with forging and maintaining healthy relationships in adulthood. Our emotional hurts make it hard for us to trust others—feeling unlovable or unworthy of a caring relationship is another example of the “emo- tional fallout” from unresolved pain. The truth is, a lack of trust in childhood poses a significant threat to our ability to have healthy, trusting relationships in adulthood.


What Does Trust Look Like?


In healthy, successful relationships, trust takes shape in numerous ways. Healthy couples understand the importance of listening to their partner, really listening, conscious listening with empathy. There is great power in being truly heard, understood,


s a psychotherapist and relationship specialist, I hear the word “trust” quite often in therapy sessions. In fact, lack of trust is one of the top causes when relationships start to de-


and validated without rebuttal or defense. Dependability is vital— always showing up, no matter what, without excuse, is another expression of trust (and love) in relationships. It may not be the sexiest quality a partner brings to the table, but dependability is a rock-solid, necessary trust-builder.


Couples counseling is an opportunity to learn skills that enable partners to


have and maintain healthy and loving relationships.


Conflict is inevitable in relationships; even the most stable, loving partners won’t always agree. However, the ability to resolve conflict in healthy, constructive ways is another sign that trust exists within a relationship. The problem is that many couples have not acquired the tools needed for healthy conflict resolution. For example, poor communication can create stress and mistrust, weakening the connection and bond. In this case, the door to other damaging


relationship problems has been opened. The ability to success- fully work through disagreements is an excellent barometer for trustworthiness in a relationship.


Communication Is the Holy Grail of All Successful Relationships


If “it takes two to tango,” it certainly takes two partners to create healthy communication. In many ways, partners are as enmeshed in each other’s lives as they are in their own. Isn’t this what we sign up for when we begin an intimate relationship? Bottom line—it’s paramount that couples learn how to communicate with each other, and to do this, they must develop the skills. If we want our relationships to have legs, it’s imperative to have exceptional, well-oiled tools, and here is why: When communication between two partners is subpar, they will grow apart over time. When this happens, relationships become vulnerable to problems such as lack of intimacy, frequent arguments, criticizing or belittling, feeling unseen and unheard, infidelity, and loneliness, which all culminate in the loss of interest in the relationship and ultimately, complete disengagement.


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