MM Friends


Can there really be any more upsetting experience than hearing your child say, ‘Mummy, why have I no friends?’


Helping your child to


As 36-year-old mum, Barbara Morrow, watched her seven-year-old daughter Jayne shout ‘goodbye’ to friends as she came out of school one afternoon, she noticed something a little odd. ‘As Jayne was crossing the playground,’


said Barbara ‘she was calling ‘bye’ to her friends – just as she normally would. As she did so though, I noticed – albeit fleetingly - that very few answered her or called back to her. I just dismissed the thought and scooped her up to give her a hug. ‘As we pulled away from the school,


however, Jayne turned to me and said simply, ‘Everybody’s going to Kelly’s party’ this afternoon, Mum.’ It turned out that, of the eight children in


her class, she was the only one, who hadn’t been invited. It was then that she started to cry. My heart could have broken for her as she asked, ‘Why wasn’t I invited, Mum?’ Barbara’s upset mirrors that experienced


by many mums, who realise that their child struggles to make friends and feel alienated. It’s a common problem.


Why some children find it


difficult to make friends There are many reasons why a child at school may lack friends. Some children are just naturally shy and may hesitate about commenting or participating, even around children they are used to being with. Highly intelligent children - or children


who strive to appear intelligent - may also struggle to make friends. This is because they may have a greater grasp of verbal language and this may make it difficult for other children to understand them. Children, who are prone to showing


strong emotional responses, such as crying, particularly boys, may find themselves alienated and ridiculed..


How you can help For a start, don’t panic if your child comes to you to tell you that they don’t have friends. In reality, they often will have friends. Some children will, however, see other children talking to numerous people and this may lead them to think that they, with only one or true good friends, are not as popular.


24 Modernmum If you do notice that your child doesn’t


seem to have friends, or talks about being left out repeatedly from group activities, then it’s advisable to speak to the principal of the school so that he or she can keep an eye out and make a proper diagnosis. If your child truly has no friends, your


goal shouldn't be to get her to the pinnacle of popularity in two weeks. Rather, you want to help her find one or two good friends who will be there for her over the long term. First of all, be patient. Acknowledge the


fact that social skills can take some people longer to develop and groom. It’s likely that, if you or your partner/husband was shy as a child, your child will develop the same tendencies, so try to remember how you felt and guide your child gently in the right direction.


Be realistic. It’s unrealistic for a parent to


set a goal for a child to have ten new friends by the end of the school year. Take baby steps and acknowledge that it is better for your child to have one friend, with whom she feels comfortable. The only bad idea is to ignore the


problem and trust it will disappear. Short of that, pretty much anything goes. Homeschooling, switching schools, even moving are not entirely outside the realm of possibility, but should really be last resorts. There are occasions when children, who


have trouble making friends, will need more help than a parent can offer. Professional child psychologists can help a child to overcome problems such as making negative predictions and can encourage them to take appropriate risks and try different ways of dealing with situations.


make friends


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