that first season of broken holiday tradi- tions. It’s not just that cut-offs don’t heal, they also don’t stop hurting. So what can be done—if anything—to mend an es- tranged relationship? The first step in dealing with cut-offs is recognizing that estrangement is an emotional state. In other words, it isn’t the facts of what happened or “principle of the thing,” but rather the emotional decision to wall off the other person that perpetuates estrangement. Estrangement is an emo- tional decision. Many times those who are cut-off from loved ones can recite a list of logical reasons they are cut-off—and many times those reasons make rational sense. However, in other relationships, individu- als with equally good reasons to be of- fended have decided not to be cut-off. It’s not offensive behavior that results in being estranged, but rather our emotional re- sponse to the way we are treated. A second step in dealing with estrange-
ment is to recognize our own emotional complicity. In every long-term cut-off rela- tionship, there is evidence of “solidified pride.” Even when we were not the ones who initiated the cut-off, eventually—usu- ally with wounded feelings—we got to the point of deciding we would no longer emotionally pursue those from whom we have become estranged. We quit trying to bridge the gap. Third comes a step that moves from understanding to action: we need to ask ourselves how we want the relationship to work out. It is important at this juncture to be realistic. Perhaps we would really like to overcome the estrangement, but we are virtually certain that the one from whom we are estranged will not meet us halfway, will not be open to our entreaties. It is equally important to be open and even optimistic. If we want to overcome a cutoff and we fail, we have lost nothing tangible and we have demonstrated at least to our- selves that we were “the bigger person.” It’s worth remembering, as we try to decide whether or not to bridge the cut-off, the situation is likely as painful to that other person as it is to us and we will never know whether or not reconciliation is possible unless we try to achieve it. Fourth, attempting reconciliation after
estrangement is more likely to succeed if we do not bring up the issue that fostered the cut-off. Yes, we were right and we know it, but mending our relationship is more important than whatever we were fighting over. And if the person with whom we are
trying to reconcile wants to “finish the fight” or hash out the issue, a workable response from us might be something like, “I’ve been thinking that our relationship is a lot more important than our disagree- ment.” Finally, fifth, our attempt at overcom-
ing estrangement is really more for us than for those from whom we are estranged. We may or may not achieve reconciliation, but an honest attempt on our part to bridge a cut-off has the power to ease lasting pain and give us real peace of mind regardless of how our overtures are received. One of the principles of the 12 Step movement (Alcoholics Anonymous and similar pro- grams) applies here: the 9th Step encour- ages people to go back to those they have harmed and make amends—with the cau- tion that those apologies and tangible re- payments may not be accepted by those who were offended; once the offense is openly acknowledged, however, it has no more power to bring guilt and remorse. Just so, gracefully extending the olive branch to those from whom we are estranged may bring peace to us whether it brings recon- ciliation or not. Half a dozen years after the tumultu- ous cut-off between Sylvia Booth and her family, an SUV pulled up unannounced in front of the retirement village where she had moved and three people got out. Ross Booth helped his daughter as she carried her sleeping infant up to Sylvia’s front door and knocked. Sylvia opened the door to behold her son, her beautiful granddaugh- ter and the great-granddaughter she had never seen. For a moment the three stood gazing at one another in silence. Then Sylvia stepped back, weeping, and said, “Come in. Come in.”
Dr. Mike Simpson will offer a three-hour seminar entitled “Overcoming Estrange- ment” at the Shepherd’s Center in Winston- Salem on Thursday, March 29, from 5:30 to 8:30 p.m. The cost is $25 and reserva- tions can be made by contacting him or the Shepherd’s Center (336 748-0217). A “third generation” Family Systems practi- tioner, Simpson is the founder of Fix Your Family and a Family Wellness Coach who has used Family Systems to work with in- dividuals and groups for the past 25 years. The author of the book Fix Your Family, he can be contacted through his website (
fixyourfamily.org), email (1fixyourfamily@
gmail.com) or phone (336 257-9276). See ad on page 13.
An integrative healing center that provides the following services:
$5.00 Off Massage
call for your appointment Expires 12/31/18
1623 York Avenue, Suite 102 High Point, NC 27265 336.841.4307
www.chhtree.com MARCH 2018 17
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