Healing Estrangement to Mend Ourselves
M
rs. Sylvia Booth did not attend her
only granddaughter’s autumn wedding. Later that fall, for the first time in nearly thirty years, she did not attend her daughter-in-law’s family Thanksgiving feast or the big two-day Christmas celebration. Sylvia did not con- tact her son Ross or his wife Deb to say she was not attending. She wasn’t sick. She wasn’t traveling. She was not otherwise occupied. She simply didn’t attend. Mrs. Booth had chosen to be estranged from her only son and his family. The estrangement centered around her
granddaughter’s wedding. Ross and Deb were “upwardly mobile” and had spent tens of thousands of dollars for an elaborate wedding to which they had invited a hun- dred guests. As the wedding approached and they reviewed all their plans, it oc- curred to them that Sylvia, who had a bit of a reputation for unpredictable behavior, should be advised as to what was expected of her. Thus Deb visited Sylvia to tell her
those about whom we really care. Cut-offs go beyond deciding not to use a certain craftsman or do business with an irritating merchant. Es- trangement implies deep, unreconciled emotions, a feeling of
what sort of comments and actions would be unacceptable. Mrs. Booth was silently outraged and without comment broke off all communication. Although this may be the first you’ve read of Sylvia and her family, it certainly isn’t the first time you’ve heard about—and probably experienced—the painful phe- nomenon called estrangement or “the cut-off.” While this series of developments was uniquely miserable and embarrassing for the Booths, we recognize that estrange- ments are actually quite common. Because estrangement is an experience we are all likely to face, it’s worth lifting up some principles that may help us understand cut-offs. First, cut-offs do not heal. True es- trangement only occurs between us and
injustice and long-term interruptions of communication and affection. We may deny the depth and degree of pain we feel to ourselves or others, but we really never get over such feelings of loss.
Second is a corollary: our feelings
toward those from whom we are estranged do not change. Family Systems coach Dr. Edwin H. Friedman was fond of saying, “the umbilical cord is infinitely elastic.” The implication is that, no matter how old we are or how far we have traveled from the people and places that have been impor- tant to us, we will always be emotionally tied to those with whom we were closest: our parents, siblings, relatives and cher- ished friends. As many of us are all too aware, we can even suffer unreconciled estrangement from deceased loved ones. Third, estrangement is a virtually uni-
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versal experience. There are no limits to the sort of issues that can result in estrange- ment: a family feud, betrayal, failed finan- cial dealings, a hostile argument or con- flicting personalities. The ubiquitous nature of estrangement is revealed in the way so many novels, movies, television serials and even popular songs deal with this topic. It doesn’t take long after a moment of
separation before the awkwardness and pain of being cut-off sets in. It was bad enough for the Booths when they had to explain why Sylvia didn’t show up for the big wedding; the suffering for them and also for Mrs. Booth grew worse through
Offering:
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